Recently in Hearts & flowers Category

A few days ago, I joined a dating website because... well, I'd been talking with a colleague who suggested it to me. Those of you who've been reading my blog a long time might remember that at one point years ago, I went through a phase of joining dating websites, about... oh, 30 of them :P  (Can anyone say "desperate"? hehehe)
 
Six years or so ago I was not willing to pay money for such services, but now I'm thinking... hmmm... maybe. The site I joined allows you to put your profile up for free, but if you actually want to contact anyone, you have to pay; or, if someone sends you a message through the site, again you have to pay to see the message. I figured well, if it requires payment, probably the people there are more serious about looking for a partner, and more ready to have one.
 
I haven't actually subscribed yet, but I created a profile and did a search for men's profiles. Narrowed it down to men aged between 29 and 35 staying within 5km of the city. A glance through the 156 profiles that popped up showed me:

1. About half or maybe one-third are Chinese-educated. You can tell from the way they've phrased the sentences in their profiles, and the various grammatical glitches they've made. Unfortunately I kinda need someone who is articulate and fluent in English, because that's the primary language I use for communication.
2. Of the other half or two-thirds, only maybe 10% stated that they are Christians. I didn't actually count, so 10% is a highly unscientific figure, but it felt like 10% to me. I want a partner who shares my faith, so if they did not explicitly state that they are a Christian, I closed the profile immediately.
3. Out of that 10%, 98% stated they would take a partner of any faith, or listed several different faiths they would accept in addition to Christianity. This, to me, is an indication that they don't share my values and don't view our faith in quite the same light... so I wouldn't seriously consider them either.

One wonders what are the odds of finding someone compatible from the handful that remain after all this preliminary "weeding out" is done...
 
The other interesting thing I noticed from these profiles is how little "marketing" is going on. You'd think that people would try to portray themselves in the best possible light in order to get someone interested in them. Such was rarely the case. Firstly, a number of profiles had glaring grammatical errors (which is jarring to someone like me!), and secondly, the way a few of the men described themselves or their likes & dislikes... in some cases they were EXTREMELY honest. I'm not sure if one can be too honest, but I quietly applauded their honesty whilst simultaneously going, "Err... okay... o.O" at the statements they made.
 
I have serious doubts that anything is going to come out of joining this dating site. I mean, you never know, but it doesn't look encouraging :P  Still, my profile's up there for anyone to see, so if something (or rather, someone) does come along, it'll be a bonus ;)

Funny quote of the day:
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor

Last week someone posted this in one of the social network mailing list thingies that I'm a part of. You hear "jokes" like this every day. Who hasn't heard the one that says marriage is a three-ring circus -- "engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering"?

I'm sorry, but I really don't think such "jokes" are funny. I think they're rather sad.

We live in a society where divorce rates are rising and even when couples do not divorce, that doesn't mean they're happy or fulfilled in the marriage or that they're thankful to still be together with their partner after all these years. In fact, a truly happy, healthy marriage is pretty hard to find. When you look at it that way, the prospects for a fulfilling and wholesome marriage are rather bleak. And then we accentuate the bleakness by making "jokes" about marriage, perpetuating the idea of marriage being a ball and chain, or reinforcing stereotypes of the domineering wife and hen-pecked husband.

Now, I don't think anybody should go into marriage all rosy-eyed and expecting "happily ever after". People should be prepared for the amount of effort it takes to meld two lives into one, two very different personalities and characters coming from different backgrounds, with different expectations and all kinds of weird habits. That's one thing. But there's no call to make marriage sound like a jail cell, the death knell of joy, or a harbinger of doom. Come on!

"Jokes" like those I quoted above undermine the whole institution of marriage, the covenant of marriage. Yes, if you're a Christian, you know that the marriage vows are a covenant, a solemn promise made to your spouse and to God. What does it mean when we promise to "love, honour and cherish" and yet joke that after the engagement ring and the wedding ring comes suffering? And then we laugh at the so-called joke, not realising that when we laugh, we are tacitly acknowledging the implication that spouses are often dominering or unreasonable. Do you realise how this actually shows dishonour to a spouse?

Also -- it's never funny to garner a laugh at someone else's expense, and in fact when we laugh at "jokes" like these we're laughing at the people who struggle to make their marriages work, people for whom everyday life is a challenge because for whatever reason, their marriage is in upheaval, or at least facing major difficulties. It's not funny to them, and it shouldn't be funny to us. It's not funny to reduce very complex problems into a simplistic, stereotypical script and run that off as a two-line "joke".

When I was growing up, Mom had a saying: "If you can't think of anything good to say, don't say anything." Based on that principle... if we have to be negative and cynical about marriage, we'd be better off saying nothing. And, if you must quote someone, just so you know, there are better people to quote than Zsa Zsa Gabor:

• Love is not a weakness. It is strong. Only the sacrament of marriage can contain it.
  —Boris Pasternak
• A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
  —Dave Meurer
• A happy marriage is a long conversation that seems all too short.
  —Andre Maurois
• A marriage is like a long trip in a tiny rowboat: If one passenger starts to rock the boat, the other has to steady it; otherwise they will go to the bottom together.
  —David Reuben
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
  —Mignon McLaughlin
• To choose a woman for a wife is not to say to Miss So-and-so: You are the ideal of my dreams... To choose a woman for a wife is to say to Miss So-and-so: I want to live with you just as you are... It is you I choose to share my life with me, and that is the only evidence there can be that I love you.
  —Denis de Rougemont
• A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
  —Ruth Bell Graham
• Real giving is when we give to our spouses what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not.
  —Michele Weiner-Davis
  
• Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
  —Tom Mullen
• The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.
  —Carolyn Heilbrun

My favourite quote, though, comes from Winston Churchill: "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me."

Had dinner with Mom, she's flying back to Sabah tomorrow. Managed to stay calm and unirritated during dinner, which is great ;)

As I dropped Mom at my uncle's house, where she's been staying, she told me to feel free to let her know if I have any prayer requests. You guys know what I said, right? I said, "Pray for a husband!" (See? You totally knew I was going to say that!)

"Pray every day?" Mom asked playfully.

"Um, pray lah."

"You're serious? All this time, I always thought you were joking!"

I was like O.O ... I mean ... hello the WHOLE WORLD knows that I want to get married, how is it that my mother doesn't know? It's not like I've made any secret of it! I have continually mentioned it throughout the years!

I'm so baffled. I'm wondering, What planet has Mom been living on?!? Granted, this is not something new, but really... how could it possibly have escaped her notice that I really, really want to find someone to love and be loved by, to marry and to have children with???

Parents!!! *rolls eyes*

Like I said, recently I dabbled with the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could live with a partner who doesn't share my faith. After all, I used to be really gung-ho and enthusiastic about what I believe, about church and God and serving and ministry and all that, whereas now I'm... well, I still care, but not in the happy-clappy, single-minded way I used to.

My faith still means a lot to me. But I'm a lot less rigid and black-and-white about it now. A lot less self-righteous and convinced that I have all the answers.

So I decided to bend a little. But in the bending, I found that this is more than a firmly entrenched and deeply rooted belief, more than a stubborn conviction... it has so much to do with what I want for myself, how I want my future to be like. We simply can't be compatible in the fullest, most meaningful way if we -- my partner and I -- aren't both journeying with God.

Discussing this with a friend, she said, "I think you needed this experience so you could really understand what you wouldn't compromise."

"Yeah, I always wondered, and now I know," I admitted.

Then she dropped this bombshell. "To be fair, the 'godly' men you used to imagine marrying might not exactly be a good fit with you. I imagine you marrying people like the married men at church, and... err... honestly, macam tak ngam lor..." [it's like you guys wouldn't be a good match]

"Most of them are too meek for you, to be frank," she added.

I was like, WHAT?!?!!

"Haven't you noticed? Most of the married women are the 'pastor's wives' type... meek, smiley and quiet. You need someone who's fine with your strong personality."

"But although my personality is strong, I'm not overwhelming what," I argued. "I don't try to dictate to people, and I'm not aggressive."

"Malaysian men are easily overwhelmed."

"Haiyo why so wimpy wan!"

"What to do..."

The truth is, there's really no point in blaming the guys. We can say they're indecisive, blind, wimpy, picky, shallow, or whatever, but that doesn't change the situation -- it just makes one bitter. I do hear single Christian girls often complain about Christian guys like this, and I myself have done it on occasion, but I think it's time to stop. Focusing on the negatives is not going to help anyone find a mate.

If I'm serious about trusting God to provide for me in all areas, then I have to trust Him to also find one guy who's not like that and to send the dude my way, and in that case it really doesn't matter if all the other billions of Christian guys out there are like that :P  And if He doesn't do it, then I have to trust that He still has my best interests at heart, even though it is painful to have an unfulfilled dream.

Of course, I did not say that trusting was easy!!!

I love pasar malam (night markets). Lurrrrrve.

Went to the SS2 pasar malam tonight -- haven't been there for ages, used to go fairly often with housemates when I was staying in SS2. Ever since we moved out in April, I think I've only been there once.

Bought: durian, sticks of fried chicken gizzard, crispy folded pancake sprinkled with peanuts and sweet corn (apom? I don't even know what that's called), siew mai (type of dim sum), glutinous rice dumpling with red bean paste filling (chang), sweet potato kuih, kuih ko chi, and two fat curry puffs. I always buy too much when I go to the pasar malam, but then, I can't resist! I have enough food for the next 3 days now... I'm always complaining to Mr TDH that there's no food in the house, hehehe.

***

Minishorts' wedding was beautiful. I didn't bring my camera, coz I was helping out and didn't think I'd have the time or opportunity to take photos. I wish now I'd brought it, but oh well... *shrugs in resignation*

Eric teared up as he watched Minishorts walk down the aisle to him, and when they said their vows to each other they both got choked up with emotion. It was soooo moving! If you read Minishorts' blog, you'll know how stressed out she's been in the lead-up to the wedding and how many ups and downs she's had with Eric. But they've weathered it all and now they're married.

The wedding reminded me of all the things I want out of a relationship and marriage, all the things I've hoped for, all the things I think are right and good. It was a timely reminder. Sivin's reference to a three-strand cord being stronger than one with only two strands -- referring to God being the third party in the marriage, binding the couple together -- was vivid and reminded me of how crucial it is that God be the foundation of any relationship I might have.

Recently I'd been thinking that maybe I could abandon that idea and live with something different. But at the wedding I was reminded that no, this is the way marriage should be and that's what I want for myself, that's what I've wanted all along. There is really no point entering into a marriage if God is not in the picture. That's how it is for me.

I think ultimately, every single person on this crazy planet is looking for love. Not just any old love, either; we want to be accepted as we are, we want to share ourselves with someone else without fear of rejection or ridicule, we want to have our intrinsic worth affirmed by someone who cherishes and cares for us, we want to connect with someone at the very deepest and most intimate level that two human beings can connect.

Watching the Footstool Players' Crazy Little Thing Called Love last night reminded me of this. So much emotion. You know love can bring lots of joy but can also lots of pain; there's potential for both as you make yourself vulnerable to another person. When I wish my friends who are getting married, I often write, "May the laughter outnumber the tears," because there's bound to be both. But one hopes the balance will tip in favour of the former rather than the latter.

Act 1 comprises scenes focusing more on romantic love, while Act 2 comprises scenes of parent-child love. Both are poignant, and many of the scenes from both acts resonated with me. For me, it was a stark reminder of the ease of miscommunication, the difficulty of conveying accurately all one thinks and feels and hopes and desires and wishes to another person. Expectations get in the way, preconceived notions get in the way, perceptions get in the way. Words, signals, body language, facial expressions, are misinterpreted.

I think miscommunication causes a lot of pain in relationships. Barring people who are abusive or selfish or downright mean, most others are simply trying their best to be a good parent, sibling, child, friend, partner. It's bewildering when you try your best and the other person can't or won't see it, or interprets it as something else entirely. You end up talking at cross-purposes and they think you mean one thing while you really mean another.

We're all walking wounded in one way or another; our backgrounds & experiences shape all of us. We tend to interpret actions and words through this lens, sometimes inaccurately. There's really no way to be rid of assumptions, at least not entirely. But I believe in seeking clarification where I can.

I was also reminded of the power of words. It's so important, the things you say to another person, the way you say it -- tone of voice, gestures, posture, facial expression. Something seemingly minor can pierce the heart, as in Scene 6, Act 1. You just need to say something once, and the person remembers it forever. Words can wound beyond anything you can ever imagine. "The pen is mightier than the sword", for a sword wound pierces flesh, but words pierce the heart, wounding your very being, the essence of you, the person you are deep inside.