http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/ Letters to my future husband en Copyright 2008 Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:41:05 +0800 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss How much faith she has! Even more than I do! I was so, so blessed by her words. And given new courage to hope and wait again...]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/09/a_reminder.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/09/a_reminder.php Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:41:05 +0800 So we're 88 days out (not that anyone is counting) and full-scale into preparations for the big day. I'm so pumped. The thought of being Justin's wife makes me grin ear to ear, and it's ridiculous, but I'll happily endure it. I keep on thinking that I couldn't be more sure about this, and then we go through a moment when he encourages me, or shows me grace when I'm stressed out, or simply makes me laugh til I have tears coming out of my eyes -- and amazingly, I'm even more convinced that this is everything I wanted and then some. I seriously didn't know it could be like this. I am fully myself, and fully loved. —Stacey Rich

We took the two of them out for lunch today. When I had a few seconds alone with Brooke, I hugged her and whispered, "Thank you for marrying our son." I don't know if she realized that she blushed, but she did. Maybe she doesn't know quite how much we adore her, how much we believe that she is the perfect girl for Scott, how grateful we are that they found each other. "It's gone so fast," she said. "And yet it seems like we've known each other forever. We're very, very happy..." —Katy Raymond

I fight not to say that it's not fair, not to ask what is wrong with me that I don't have someone who loves me that way, not to feel that I'm missing out and getting the raw end of the deal by being single. I fight not to fear that I'll always be alone, that this is only for other people but is never going to happen for me, that I'll never hear a man say that I'm one of the most wonderful things in his life.

I know it's cliche and whatever. But the years with Heather have been the best of my life. I feel like I've been shaken and put back on track. It's pretty rare that one gets a second chance in life and rarer still that one can do so without major concessions. Say we could create what we thought would be our perfect partner. My partner creation would fall short of Heather in so many ways. I've been surprised, warmed and loved like never before in my life. I'm the luckiest man in the world. I don't really care if that sounds trite or cheesy, because at the end of the day, when the house is quiet, I look across the pillows at her face and see the future. I felt that way five years ago and it has only grown since. When she rests her head against my chest and I put my arms around her, I知 home. —Jon Armstrong

And deep down there's an insidious thought that it's just as well because I would make a terrible wife.  ]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/09/dark_fears.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/09/dark_fears.php Sun, 03 Sep 2006 03:35:21 +0800 God could love me! It's going to be a process of healing and changing old, flawed perceptions, I know. I'm coming to see that everything in life is a process and a journey. How intensely frustrating -- I want to be able to get 'there', fast! To me, it's always been the destination that's important, not the journey. Now I've gotta rewire my thinking. Sheesh. But I liked the theme of a friend's wedding this month: "Two hearts, one journey". So maybe I'm starting to embrace the concept, eh? *grin*]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/plodding_along.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/plodding_along.php Wed, 23 Aug 2006 04:54:21 +0800 different. If it weren't for these letters and for my blog, I probably wouldn't even notice the changes. Change is such an insidious thing. It creeps up on us slowly, and we don't realise its subtle influence as it carves away at us day by day. Then one day we wake up and it hits us that, hey, something is very different! How did I get this way?! -- and the cumulative effect of change abruptly becomes very visible to our newly-opened eyes. Oh well, at least I have not been stagnant, as I had half-feared. So many times during these past few years I've felt caught in a never-ending cycle of sameness and felt like I was doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, that nothing would ever change no matter how hard I tried to improve. I guess this is a good reminder that the baby steps do matter, even if they are almost unnoticeable at any given moment. Perhaps in another one or two years' time I'll look back again and marvel that yes, I have changed for the better, in more ways than I ever believed I would. I hope so not just for my own sake, but for yours too! Coz you're the one who's going to be living with me, you know :P]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/no_longer_the_same.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/no_longer_the_same.php Tue, 22 Aug 2006 04:42:01 +0800 I carried a picture of you ever since I was young and believed in fairy tales. I carried a picture of you through all the times love let me down and through all the times I thought that I would never meet you in this life. I carried a picture of you, not in my pocket but in my heart. I didn't know what you would look like, but I knew what it would feel like to finally know you and be with you, safe and protected and accepted like I'd finally found my home.A few weeks ago I read on her blog that the words had been taken from a greeting card she had bought long before she'd ever met the man who would become her husband. I suppose it's kinda like how I'm writing letters to you when I haven't met you yet. Don't know whether to sigh or smile... I ached inside when I saw those words displayed on the screen, because that's what I've been doing all this while: carrying a picture of you in my heart, not knowing what you'll look like but knowing how I will feel when I can finally know you and be with you. And I just do not know if it will ever happen. Some days, yes, I think I may never meet you in this life. It wouldn't be so bad if God would just tell me once and for all that, "No, this is not for you," and then I could stop waiting and hoping and longing. Or if He would tell me, "Yes, your time will come," then I could stop fearing that it may never come, that my hopes are doomed to be futile. I've lived through much uncertainty this year with regards to my career, and I've learnt to hate the not knowing. I've finally decided what I'm going to do next -- get my Masters, find a lecturing job in one of the colleges -- and the relief, I tell you, is unbelievable. Instead of dealing with constant internal turmoil, I'm now settled and at peace. When I was wrestling with the teaching thing, whether to go into govt service and teach in high school, I used to wonder if I hadn't met you yet because you were out there (teaching in one of the schools), while I was resisting going into teaching... ergo our paths couldn't cross. I used to wonder if I was not meeting you because I was not in the place where God wanted me to be, because I was being stubborn and difficult and so afraid to step out of my comfort zone and leave all that is familiar and dear to me. I don't know if this even makes sense to you, or whether it only makes sense to me with my convoluted reasoning. It seems strange to think this way and yet, at the same time, to believe that God can bring you into my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing, that I don't have to go out of my way to look for you because God knows the right time & place for us to meet. Now that I've decided not to go into govt service but to pursue my Masters and lecture in a college, I still wonder if you will be at my next workplace. I try not to think about it too much or to look out for you, because I don't want to always be focusing on the 'what if's and miss out on living life in the present. But of late it is becoming harder and harder to repel the flashes of fear that say: What if he really never comes? What if he doesn't exist? I complain to God, "You Yourself said that 'hope deferred maketh the heart sick', so why do You keep deferring my hope?!" ...He hasn't answered me yet. *rolls eyes*]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/heartsick.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/heartsick.php Mon, 21 Aug 2006 03:18:21 +0800 Dearest, Recently, I was reading about a couple I know who had decided to write their own wedding vows because "the traditional vows were impersonal and boring". To each his own, I guess. Personally, I would want to say the traditional vows because there's something reassuring and comforting about repeating the familiar words we have heard so many times before. There's something powerful in repeating vows that reverberate through the ages and have been said by so many before us. It reminds me that we are not alone in pledging our troth to each other, and that if they could stay committed and make their marriage work, we too -- with God's help, of course -- will be able to build a joyful, rich, and meaningful marriage. I'd like to think that, after we're married, whenever we attend a wedding in future and hear the bride & bridegroom recite their vows, in our heart we'll renew the vows we've made to each other as we silently recite the familiar words along with the bridal couple. Anyway, I can't think of any other better way to pledge my life to you than to promise to love, honour and cherish you from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. That really encompasses everything anyone could ever think of, I'm sure. Funnily enough, I've never been big on tradition, and often like to do things in my own original way; but this is one of the times when I actually want to be like everybody else, and do things the conventional way. (Gasp!) I really hope you'll feel the same, coz otherwise I forsee some FIREWORKS leading up to the wedding!!! LOL http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/love_honour_and_cherish.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/love_honour_and_cherish.php Sun, 20 Aug 2006 02:53:26 +0800 Don't they realise how incredible and wonderful and rare it is to have found this person and to be able to be with him or her?!? I don't advocate rushing into marriage, but if a couple has been together for more than two years, their careers are stable, and they are sure about each other being the one they each want to spend the rest of their lives with... what are they waiting for? Why keep putting it off? Life is so short and unpredictable; I could get into a car accident on the highway tomorrow, and be gone, just like that. Finding the right person to marry is already so hard, and to add to that, we don't know how much time we'll have with our partners -- God willing, it'll be many long & fruitful years, enough time to raise children together, dance at their weddings, and cradle grandchildren in our arms -- but there's no guarantee. I feel we should grab hold of the blessings we've been given and make the most of them. Because blessings are unpredictable too. They're something God, in His love, chooses to give, and they only come according to His timing. After waiting so long for God's timing to be ripe in the matter of you & I, I realise how precious it is to have found someone to love, who loves me in return. I hope that when we finally meet and get together, I'll never take for granted the fact that I have you. That I'll always treasure you and thank God for you. And yes -- let's not wait too long to get married!!!]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/saying_i_do.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/saying_i_do.php Sun, 13 Aug 2006 04:02:14 +0800 one person in my life who will never go away, no matter what happens. Yeah, I know I have God, but I need somebody with skin!!!]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/hate_goodbyes.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/hate_goodbyes.php Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:11:16 +0800 pak tor about two years, and then get married. I had it all planned out in my head. To me, it was a natural progression, something I never questioned: I would meet someone, fall in love, he would fall in love with me, and we would marry. Life has so far proved uncooperative. *rueful smile*  As they say, man proposes, God disposes. I don't know why I ever thought or expected that life would be so neat & tidy. Not meeting you "on cue", as it were, gave me the first glimmer that, perhaps, life might not always proceed as smoothly as I might like it to. Sure, not getting to study Mass Comm had been a blow, too, but it hadn't been that bad coz I'd still gotten to be a journalist later. My life's path, as I saw it, hadn't been knocked that far off course. But this... this is something really outside my control. It is a mild thing, however, compared to what has been happening this year. A precursor, and maybe a warning, that things can veer off even more sharply than I ever imagined they would. I thought journalism was my dream job, then I tried it, and it turned out to be -- well, not less than what I'd thought it would be, but different. Now I'm left with the question, "What next?" and the fear that, even though I think I might like teaching, perhaps I might again find that it is not what I thought it would be, and then where will that leave me? In limbo again. It's the uncertainty that gets to me; the fear, also, that I might never find what I'm looking for. Even I don't know how to articulate what I'm looking for, so how can I know where to look for it? At least with you, I do more or less know what I'm looking for -- and see how hard it has been to find you already? :P  How much harder to find something that I can't even define?]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/elusive_fulfillment.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/08/elusive_fulfillment.php Tue, 08 Aug 2006 18:42:01 +0800 Love Actually where Karl and Sarah (Rodrigo Santoro and Laura Linney) are dancing... and, I don't know, the scene just captivated me, the tender way he held her. I caught my breath and found myself praying for a man -- you lah -- who would one day hold me that way. So many prayers, still unanswered. It is at certain moments that the longing seizes me. Sometimes it's a selfish longing -- like when my cell group leader told us how she had gotten into an accident, rear-ended another car, and she called her husband, and her husband spoke to the other driver on her behalf, over the phone, and helped to settle the issue with that guy. I found myself wishing that you were here so that I, too, would have someone to call and lean on when such incidents happen. You don't know the amount of times I have stood in the sun next to my stalled and stationary car, waiting for AAM to arrive, feeling all alone in the entire world, and so stressed out. Yes, sometimes I want you to be here so that you could help me. At other times, it's just because I want to share something with you. A secret, an amusing incident, an interesting tidbit from a book, a special occasion. It's frustrating, but at the same time I try not to idealise you, or the situation, because so many friends have told me that things won't be how I imagine them to be once you get here. I was saying to Doreen in April when I was filing my taxes that I wished I had a boyfriend or husband to help me, and she snorted, "You think so? I'm married and my husband doesn't file my taxes for me; I still have to do it myself!" *laughs* I guess I thought of that coz I know that Dad handles all of these kinda things for Mom. But even if you didn't help me do it, at least I'd be able to discuss it with you and ask you if I had any uncertainties about what to do or how to fill up the forms and so on. It was my first time filing taxes and I felt rather lost and blur. Well, I continue to forge on without you :)  At first I wanted to say I 'make do' without you but it isn't a matter of 'making do', as if right now I am having to deal with second best. It's just... a different state of being. I don't want to be always wishing that things weren't the way they are, coz that's the way to discontentment, and eventually bitterness and resentment against God will set in. If you were here, I'm sure I'd have other struggles and issues than the ones I have now as a 'singleton'. Let me learn to be thankful for whatever I have and whatever God has given to me. Let me learn to trust that He knows best and has my best interests at heart. May the arms of our loving Father hold you close today.]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/07/never_better_simply_different.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/07/never_better_simply_different.php Wed, 12 Jul 2006 06:51:38 +0800 what might help, but I'm trying to keep pushing on. This year is shaping up to be a very tough, challenging year... and it's only half over. I feel like this is the year when I'm learning what it means to live by faith and to trust God. Like, after all those years when I was telling God that I'll do anything for Him and go anywhere He sends me and give Him full control of my life, now He's saying to me, "So, prove it!" Scary shit, man.]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/turmoil.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/turmoil.php Thu, 29 Jun 2006 05:00:40 +0800 Dearest, Last night I bit the bullet and finally faced the fact that I'll probably never ever again be as slim as I used to be... and I gave away some of my old clothes. Adeline and Chen May were the gleeful beneficiaries. Turns out my slacks fit Adeline very nicely. "Irene! You mean you used to be this slim?!" she exclaimed, shocked. Yes lor. *sobs* It was so hard, coz I really loved those slacks -- nice cutting and good material -- but I haven't been able to wear them for three years! And the longer I wait, the less likely it is that I will ever be able to wear them again :( I'm insecure about my looks now. Mom said once that I'm getting to be so fat that no guy would want to look at me. I try to keep some sense of perspective by reminding myself that, hey, I've seen guys with not-so-slim girlfriends/wives. On the other hand, it's also true that physical appearance seems to play a huge part where males are concerned. All that stuff about how you fellas are more visual creatures compared to us females. It's fine and dandy to say that you would love me for who I am and not what I look like, but secretly I do want you to think me beautiful and I want you to be proud of me -- which includes being proud of the way I look. In the presence of other men, I hope you will feel proud to have me by your side, proud that of all the people I could have chosen, I chose you. But now every time I look in the mirror, the only thing I can think of is how fat I look (although rationally, I'm aware that I'm not exactly fat, especially since I know girls who are fatter!). 'Fat' translates to 'unattractive' and so, like I said earlier, I feel insecure about my desirability. If I can't feel proud of myself, how can I ever believe you could be proud of me? http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/jaundiced_eye.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/jaundiced_eye.php Wed, 28 Jun 2006 03:09:05 +0800 you might be! Well, Jan got her wish; Jason is totally not into football. It leaves him cold. Hey, whaddya know, prayer works! ;)  But, I dunno, I don't feel like this issue is important enough to me to pray about. I mean, there are so many other things I am more concerned for regarding you. Anyway, I figure God knows what kinda guy I need. I'll let Him work out the details...]]> http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/football_nono.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/football_nono.php Sat, 17 Jun 2006 03:38:58 +0800 Dearest, When I was at a young adults' camp last year, the speaker singled out one of the girls there and asked her if she had a boyfriend. When she said no, he further asked her if she wanted to be married. Without hesitation, she said, "Yes, very much." I really respected her for being so honest, coz it's hard for a woman to admit that. We tend to get branded as "desperate" and "man-hunting". Sad, really. At one point, when I wrote about marriage and relationships on my main blog, somebody came along and said that I would end up scaring off all the men coz I was so marriage-minded. Aiyah, if the fellows who come along aren't serious and just looking to have a good time or play the fool, then they may as well take themselves out of the running ;) Guys don't seem to suffer from the same syndrome so many of us girls do. I've met very few guys who've actually come out and said that they want to be married and are looking for the right person to marry. Maybe men don't admit it so much, just quietly observe the ladies around them and keep their thoughts to themselves. I don't know. But it does seem that men as a whole obsess much less about relationships than do we women. Maybe it's a genetic make-up thing, since women are supposed to be the more relational and emotional sex. For all I know, while I've been thinking of you and writing to you, the thought of marriage and relationships might never even have entered your mind! Especially now, when almost everybody (especially 98% of the males) has been hit by WORLD CUP FEVER!!! Hahaha. http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/must_be_a_gender_thing.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/must_be_a_gender_thing.php Wed, 14 Jun 2006 04:06:48 +0800 Dearest, Yesterday someone was just telling me how important it is to learn that it's okay to be alone, that we don't look for a partner out of desperation or a frantic attempt to stave off loneliness. I couldn't agree more. And I don't mind being alone, but not all the time. I used to think I was an introvert -- now I'm not sure, coz I've realised that I do need people around me. That's why I love staying with my housemates. So much better than renting a single room and coming home to isolation and nothingness. And being a single girl is fun. Tonight four of us housemates went out for dinner together and fooled around in the restaurant, taking weird pictures and laughing boisterously. The good times I have with guy friends are very different from the good times I have with my girl friends, which of course makes me thankful to have friends of both genders. ...although, now that I think of it, I don't think I have that many guy friends. Hmmm. Okay, Bob is married, Kevin has a girlfriend, A is in recovery from breakup, S most likely has the gift of celibacy. Hmmm. I don't hang out with any other guys. I think I can see why I'm still single! Anyway, the point is, I can't do without companionship. I'm thankful for my friends. I think one must have a balance of aloneness and other-peopleness, and what I have right now works for me. Perhaps that's why it's so terrifying to have so many of my friends get married -- they start cleaving to their spouses and I'm afraid I'll end up being left all alone. Not that I'll have no more friends, but certainly the opportunities to spend time together and hang out will end up diminishing. I always thought the fear that accompanied my friends' nuptials had to do with the fear that I might not get married, myself. That with each succeeding wedding and the passage of time, the probability that I might be the next to stand in a long white dress and veil in front of the altar pledging lifelong commitment to a man grows less and less. Now I realise the fear goes beyond that; I could remain happily single if singleness meant preservation of the current status quo. Every time a friend marries, I have to repress the urge to scream, "Don't go away and leave me all alone!" They become a couple, and I remain... just me. They have someone else, and I have... nobody. It's hard. I suppose this is also part of learning to trust God, that He'll not let me be left alone -- that, even if you don't come along, He'll provide other friends to walk alongside me if the ones I have right now have to leave to walk a different path. I've always believed that God does bring specific people into our lives, sometimes for a season, sometimes for longer, to be there when we need them or they need us. Right now, as I write this letter, I'm reminded of that. To not fear when situations and circumstances change, because God is still watching out for me and will not leave me to flounder on my own. I pray this day that His comfort will be with you and His manifest presence enfold you, too. http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/learning_not_to_fear.php http://www.wilfulsunflower.com/guardheart/2006/06/learning_not_to_fear.php Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:35:47 +0800