Dearest,

I turn 28 in 2.5 weeks.

There's something about my birthday month which always makes me feel a little melancholy... makes me look back and think, "What have I done with my life? What do I have to show for all these years of living?" And, with things the way they are right now, being in transition and facing uncertainty, I guess this year it's a little worse.

When I was younger, I thought I'd be married by now. I thought 27 or 28 would be a nice age at which to get married... graduate at 22 or 23, work a few years, meet the right guy, pak tor about two years, and then get married. I had it all planned out in my head. To me, it was a natural progression, something I never questioned: I would meet someone, fall in love, he would fall in love with me, and we would marry.

Life has so far proved uncooperative. *rueful smile*  As they say, man proposes, God disposes.

I don't know why I ever thought or expected that life would be so neat & tidy. Not meeting you "on cue", as it were, gave me the first glimmer that, perhaps, life might not always proceed as smoothly as I might like it to. Sure, not getting to study Mass Comm had been a blow, too, but it hadn't been that bad coz I'd still gotten to be a journalist later. My life's path, as I saw it, hadn't been knocked that far off course.

But this... this is something really outside my control. It is a mild thing, however, compared to what has been happening this year. A precursor, and maybe a warning, that things can veer off even more sharply than I ever imagined they would.

I thought journalism was my dream job, then I tried it, and it turned out to be -- well, not less than what I'd thought it would be, but different. Now I'm left with the question, "What next?" and the fear that, even though I think I might like teaching, perhaps I might again find that it is not what I thought it would be, and then where will that leave me? In limbo again.

It's the uncertainty that gets to me; the fear, also, that I might never find what I'm looking for. Even I don't know how to articulate what I'm looking for, so how can I know where to look for it? At least with you, I do more or less know what I'm looking for -- and see how hard it has been to find you already? :P  How much harder to find something that I can't even define?

Dearest,

I realise, when I surf the web and click on links, how much I expect things to remain unchanging for always. But websites come and go, bloggers decide to wipe out archives and start anew, something that is here today is often gone tomorrow.

It aggravates me, this sense that I can't rely on anything to be there anymore the moment I turn my back on it.

Tonight I visited Yean, my favouritest and closest cousin, who has just gotten her A-levels results. Not surprisingly, she's scored straight As and will be going to Scotland in September to pursue her degree in Medicine. Jin doesn't call Yean and Grace "the genius cousins" for nothing ;)

This year, every time I've visited Yean, I've done so with the knowledge that she would be gone by the year's end. I can't imagine her not being here. I can't imagine not being able to watch her tell her stories. She's one of the people in my life who consistently tells me she loves me; I already don't have enough of those kinds of people around...

Maybe the reason I want to get married so much is partly because I know you won't go away. After all, "till death do us part" -- thus readeth the vows. Other people will go away, but you won't. And if there is any changing to be done, we'll change together. You're not going to go off and do your changing all by yourself and leave me behind. At least, I hope not.

I always dreamt that Yean would be one of the bridesmaids at our wedding. Now I don't know. Well, first of all I don't know if I will ever be married (ie. if you and I will ever meet -- am obviously not as confidently positive as I used to be). But she's going to be overseas for a good many years, and, well, I just don't know.

I wish you were here; it would be comforting to have you beside me as I say goodbye to her, and know that there is at least one person in my life who will never go away, no matter what happens. Yeah, I know I have God, but I need somebody with skin!!!

Dearest,

Sometimes I feel that the people who have found someone to love -- someone who loves them in return -- don't appreciate the miracle & great blessing they have been given. So many times, when asked when the 'big day' will be, I've heard them say, "Oh, a long way off. I don't want to get married till I'm 30," or some other such thing.

"There's no hurry," another person said.

It's so unfair that here I am, yearning to be your wife, but for some reason unable to meet you yet -- and there they are, already with the person they believe is their 'other half', yet not evincing any desire to step into holy matrimony. It makes me want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them, hard.

Don't they realise how incredible and wonderful and rare it is to have found this person and to be able to be with him or her?!?

I don't advocate rushing into marriage, but if a couple has been together for more than two years, their careers are stable, and they are sure about each other being the one they each want to spend the rest of their lives with... what are they waiting for? Why keep putting it off?

Life is so short and unpredictable; I could get into a car accident on the highway tomorrow, and be gone, just like that. Finding the right person to marry is already so hard, and to add to that, we don't know how much time we'll have with our partners -- God willing, it'll be many long & fruitful years, enough time to raise children together, dance at their weddings, and cradle grandchildren in our arms -- but there's no guarantee. I feel we should grab hold of the blessings we've been given and make the most of them.

Because blessings are unpredictable too. They're something God, in His love, chooses to give, and they only come according to His timing. After waiting so long for God's timing to be ripe in the matter of you & I, I realise how precious it is to have found someone to love, who loves me in return. I hope that when we finally meet and get together, I'll never take for granted the fact that I have you. That I'll always treasure you and thank God for you.

And yes -- let's not wait too long to get married!!!

Dearest,

Recently, I was reading about a couple I know who had decided to write their own wedding vows because "the traditional vows were impersonal and boring". To each his own, I guess.

Personally, I would want to say the traditional vows because there's something reassuring and comforting about repeating the familiar words we have heard so many times before. There's something powerful in repeating vows that reverberate through the ages and have been said by so many before us. It reminds me that we are not alone in pledging our troth to each other, and that if they could stay committed and make their marriage work, we too -- with God's help, of course -- will be able to build a joyful, rich, and meaningful marriage.

I'd like to think that, after we're married, whenever we attend a wedding in future and hear the bride & bridegroom recite their vows, in our heart we'll renew the vows we've made to each other as we silently recite the familiar words along with the bridal couple.

Anyway, I can't think of any other better way to pledge my life to you than to promise to love, honour and cherish you from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. That really encompasses everything anyone could ever think of, I'm sure.

Funnily enough, I've never been big on tradition, and often like to do things in my own original way; but this is one of the times when I actually want to be like everybody else, and do things the conventional way. (Gasp!) I really hope you'll feel the same, coz otherwise I forsee some FIREWORKS leading up to the wedding!!! LOL

Dearest,

At a friend's wedding last year, these words accompanied the video presentation flashing photos from scenes of the bride's life:

I carried a picture of you ever since I was young and believed in fairy tales. I carried a picture of you through all the times love let me down and through all the times I thought that I would never meet you in this life.

I carried a picture of you, not in my pocket but in my heart. I didn't know what you would look like, but I knew what it would feel like to finally know you and be with you, safe and protected and accepted like I'd finally found my home.

I ached inside when I saw those words displayed on the screen, because that's what I've been doing all this while: carrying a picture of you in my heart, not knowing what you'll look like but knowing how I will feel when I can finally know you and be with you.

And I just do not know if it will ever happen.

Some days, yes, I think I may never meet you in this life. It wouldn't be so bad if God would just tell me once and for all that, "No, this is not for you," and then I could stop waiting and hoping and longing. Or if He would tell me, "Yes, your time will come," then I could stop fearing that it may never come, that my hopes are doomed to be futile.

I've lived through much uncertainty this year with regards to my career, and I've learnt to hate the not knowing. I've finally decided what I'm going to do next -- get my Masters, find a lecturing job in one of the colleges -- and the relief, I tell you, is unbelievable. Instead of dealing with constant internal turmoil, I'm now settled and at peace.

When I was wrestling with the teaching thing, whether to go into govt service and teach in high school, I used to wonder if I hadn't met you yet because you were out there (teaching in one of the schools), while I was resisting going into teaching... ergo our paths couldn't cross. I used to wonder if I was not meeting you because I was not in the place where God wanted me to be, because I was being stubborn and difficult and so afraid to step out of my comfort zone and leave all that is familiar and dear to me.

I don't know if this even makes sense to you, or whether it only makes sense to me with my convoluted reasoning. It seems strange to think this way and yet, at the same time, to believe that God can bring you into my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing, that I don't have to go out of my way to look for you because God knows the right time & place for us to meet.

Now that I've decided not to go into govt service but to pursue my Masters and lecture in a college, I still wonder if you will be at my next workplace. I try not to think about it too much or to look out for you, because I don't want to always be focusing on the 'what if's and miss out on living life in the present. But of late it is becoming harder and harder to repel the flashes of fear that say: What if he really never comes? What if he doesn't exist?

I complain to God, "You Yourself said that 'hope deferred maketh the heart sick', so why do You keep deferring my hope?!" ...He hasn't answered me yet. *rolls eyes*

Dearest,

Tonight I was re-reading my earliest letters to you, and I think I used to be so much more positive and joyful back then. Lately I've been more pensive... but also, I think, sharing more deeply about my thoughts and feelings.

I also noticed that I've repeated myself in a few of the letters. Well, they were written over a period of time, and I keep forgetting what I have and haven't told you, so, sorry lah, just skim over the recurring bits, will ya? ;)

It strikes me that I'm no longer the same bubbly girl who started off writing these letters to you. It's been more than three years since I wrote the first letter, and so many things have happened, things that have shaped my thinking, my perceptions, my dreams & desires, my fears and doubts. I've changed. I would like to think I've changed for the better, but I'm not entirely sure. I just know that I'm different.

If it weren't for these letters and for my blog, I probably wouldn't even notice the changes. Change is such an insidious thing. It creeps up on us slowly, and we don't realise its subtle influence as it carves away at us day by day. Then one day we wake up and it hits us that, hey, something is very different! How did I get this way?! -- and the cumulative effect of change abruptly becomes very visible to our newly-opened eyes.

Oh well, at least I have not been stagnant, as I had half-feared. So many times during these past few years I've felt caught in a never-ending cycle of sameness and felt like I was doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, that nothing would ever change no matter how hard I tried to improve. I guess this is a good reminder that the baby steps do matter, even if they are almost unnoticeable at any given moment. Perhaps in another one or two years' time I'll look back again and marvel that yes, I have changed for the better, in more ways than I ever believed I would.

I hope so not just for my own sake, but for yours too! Coz you're the one who's going to be living with me, you know :P

Dearest,

Last week my counsellors asked me which area is it I find most critical in my life and want to work on first. I told them that I want to learn to be happy with myself, to love & accept myself and not live under a cloud of guilt and failure and self-condemnation any longer.

I feel that this is so important, especially since I'm preparing to meet you... I want to come to you whole -- or as whole as I can possibly be while still remaining a broken and fallible human being. I know I must learn to love myself, or I may never be able to fully accept and believe that you could love me. Heck, I must learn to love myself, or I will never be able to fully accept and believe that God could love me!

It's going to be a process of healing and changing old, flawed perceptions, I know. I'm coming to see that everything in life is a process and a journey. How intensely frustrating -- I want to be able to get 'there', fast! To me, it's always been the destination that's important, not the journey. Now I've gotta rewire my thinking. Sheesh.

But I liked the theme of a friend's wedding this month: "Two hearts, one journey". So maybe I'm starting to embrace the concept, eh? *grin*