Dearest,

I attended another wedding dinner last week -- a friend of Adeline's; I was just her "date" for the evening coz she didn't want to go alone. When they showed the requisite video of the couple's growing-up pictures and photos taken after they had gotten together, I prayed in my heart, asking the Lord to send you to me soon.

There is a scene in Love Actually where Karl and Sarah (Rodrigo Santoro and Laura Linney) are dancing... and, I don't know, the scene just captivated me, the tender way he held her. I caught my breath and found myself praying for a man -- you lah -- who would one day hold me that way.

So many prayers, still unanswered.

It is at certain moments that the longing seizes me. Sometimes it's a selfish longing -- like when my cell group leader told us how she had gotten into an accident, rear-ended another car, and she called her husband, and her husband spoke to the other driver on her behalf, over the phone, and helped to settle the issue with that guy. I found myself wishing that you were here so that I, too, would have someone to call and lean on when such incidents happen. You don't know the amount of times I have stood in the sun next to my stalled and stationary car, waiting for AAM to arrive, feeling all alone in the entire world, and so stressed out.

Yes, sometimes I want you to be here so that you could help me. At other times, it's just because I want to share something with you. A secret, an amusing incident, an interesting tidbit from a book, a special occasion.

It's frustrating, but at the same time I try not to idealise you, or the situation, because so many friends have told me that things won't be how I imagine them to be once you get here. I was saying to Doreen in April when I was filing my taxes that I wished I had a boyfriend or husband to help me, and she snorted, "You think so? I'm married and my husband doesn't file my taxes for me; I still have to do it myself!" *laughs*

I guess I thought of that coz I know that Dad handles all of these kinda things for Mom. But even if you didn't help me do it, at least I'd be able to discuss it with you and ask you if I had any uncertainties about what to do or how to fill up the forms and so on. It was my first time filing taxes and I felt rather lost and blur.

Well, I continue to forge on without you :)  At first I wanted to say I 'make do' without you but it isn't a matter of 'making do', as if right now I am having to deal with second best. It's just... a different state of being.

I don't want to be always wishing that things weren't the way they are, coz that's the way to discontentment, and eventually bitterness and resentment against God will set in. If you were here, I'm sure I'd have other struggles and issues than the ones I have now as a 'singleton'. Let me learn to be thankful for whatever I have and whatever God has given to me. Let me learn to trust that He knows best and has my best interests at heart. May the arms of our loving Father hold you close today.