Dearest,

It's been some time, eh? Actually I'm not sure anymore whether you even exist. I find myself losing hope as time goes by, and I'm starting to think that perhaps, perhaps I might remain single for ever.

Not that being single is such a terrible thing. It simply means the death of a long-held dream.

But as I told God last night, it's the not knowing that is difficult. If I could know that you really aren't out there somewhere, I could just get on with things and stop hoping. On the other hand, if I knew I'd meet you somewhere down the line, then I would not fear waking up one day, turning 40 and finding mysef still alone yet still 'waiting'.

Alone. It is the aloneness that haunts me.

These days when I see couples holding hands or getting married I wonder whether my turn will ever come. I wonder whether you are also out there thinking the same thing, or whether you are simply not bothered by the whole issue (guys seem to obsess about these things a lot less than girls!). Or maybe you are already in a relationship with someone else at the moment (only to break up later & eventually get together with me). Who knows?

 
Sometimes I wonder whether the blog intimidates guys -- a guy friend recently told me that I'm the deepest lady he's ever known -- perhaps they read it and fear that they won't measure up? I hope you, if you are out there, and if you ever read it, will be intrigued by it, that it'll make you want to get to know me more.

And maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot by putting this out there. I know quite a few people who think writing these letters is kinda dumb. I wonder how I'll take it if you happen to be one of those people!

Dearest,

We were talking about the cost of discipleship during a cell group meeting one night when one of the guys said, "My friends think I'm missing out by not having sex before marriage."

That night we had a visiting speaker visiting our group, and I'll never forget his response: "You are missing out. That is part of the cost you're paying for following Christ."

Tonight I read something similar:

Doing the right thing is not guaranteed to make you happy, and the wicked sometimes thrive. But because the love of God constrains us, because our bodies are not our own but bought with a price, we persevere in a difficult path, pressing on toward the light ahead.

People keep on telling me not to be so choosy, and I always retort that of course I'm going to be choosy, because this is my life partner we're talking about here -- I ain't gonna go out and simply pick any Tom, Dick, or Harry! Others have said disparagingly that I'm too fixated on marriage, to the point that it makes me look desperate; hey, just have fun and stop thinking so far ahead, they cajole. Yet others have criticised me for only wanting to date Christian guys, sneering at me for practicing discrimination based on one's religion.

When it comes down to it, I do view my continued singleness as part of the cost I pay for wanting to live God's way. I remember reading God's Call to the Single Adult last year, where the author Michael Cavanaugh said that that if you are single, and a Christian, chances are you're single because you haven't been willing to compromise your beliefs and your principles in the matter of choosing a mate. In this sense, singleness is not a sign of failure (failure to find someone, failure to be a person worthy of love) but simply the price we are willing to pay to follow God. We're single for Him.

And I realised that it has been my choice to remain single. Up to that point, I had always thought I was single due to circumstances -- God hadn't brought us together yet, no guy had ever approached me yet (weirdoes don't count), perhaps I was not ready for a relationship yet or the time wasn't right yet, etc.

But after reading the book, I realised that, really, it is my own choice to remain single as long as I haven't met you. After all, if I really wanted to get married so badly, I could just go out and snag any random guy and drag him to the altar forthwith!

Every time I feel frustrated with my continued singleness and the long wait for you, I remind myself that I am still single simply because I have chosen to remain so. And then I remind myself exactly why I made that choice. It's cold comfort, but it helps me to hold on.

Dearest,

Today I sat across from a dear friend as she talked about the troubles in her relationship, stunned because I'd always envied her the fact that she had found such a great guy to love, and that he loved her back.

Oh, I know nobody's perfect, and I also knew -- intellectually -- that every relationship has its own set of problems. But in my mind they have always been almost the perfect couple. Well-matched, on the same wavelength spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually; supportive, caring, and all of that.

I saw them having the kind of relationship that I've always hoped for & dreamed of, and I was just a tiny bit envious. Not that I allowed this to dim my happiness for her. No sir.

Today, when she spoke of all the tears she's cried over the relationship, I finally realised that, if I'd known the whole picture, I wouldn't seriously want what she has (or not all of it, anyway). Suddenly, I was sitting there, thinking, Hey, her situation isn't that great after all. And, whaddya know, mine isn't that bad after all!

I was struck by how important it is to live in my present and cherish it, rather than to wistfully gaze at the lives of others and live in a world of unfulfilled wishes and hopes and dreams. My present may not be peachy and wonderful, exactly, but neither does it suck ass. The point is that in every situation there is good & bad, and it came to me that, instead of focusing on all the good in my no-longer-single friend's situation, I should be focusing on the good in mine -- because, just as she's had to face the bad in her situation, so too will I have to face my own bad moments at the appointed time. Otherwise I'll end up facing the bad moments anyway (can't run away from them, they tend to shove themselves in one's face) but will have no good ones to balance them out coz I'd have let all the good moments pass me by.

Cherish the moment & live in the present -- that was my lesson for the day. *rueful smile*

Dearest,

About a week ago, a male friend said to me, "You're a pretty fun person. If only I had the heart to fall in love at this stage of my life, and if only I were to fall in love with you. Problem is, I can't even imagine how it feels to fall in love!"

That's akin to my girl friends and I saying, "I don't know what all the guys are thinking... if I were a guy, I'd totally date her!"

It's sometimes intensely frustrating because the people who say these nice things about me and recognise my special qualities are never in a position to actually do something about it. I don't need them to notice me -- I need YOU to notice me!!!

Gaaah.

I just bet that when I actually meet you, you'll patiently point out that you couldn't have noticed me at this time because you weren't here. You think I don't know that already?!?

Yes, I am not feeling reasonable today. It's a girl thing. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to live with it! You're just lucky I'm not illogical all of the time...

Dearest,

Chen May, Jin's fiancée, will be moving into my place in June. My future sister-in-law. That promises to be interesting! (Oh gosh, she'll find out how messy I am... *wince*)

I like her. Unpretentious, open, casual, funny... very like Jin, in fact -- except she's waaaay more proper and pretty hak hei, too. She doesn't have Jin's thick skin, that's for sure!!

Am looking forward to being able to spend more time with her and get to know her better. They are hoping to marry sometime early next year. Gaaah I must slim down for the wedding!

Yes, I know, I'm such a girl...