Dearest,

I'm watching one of my friends go through a relationship break-up at the moment, and I'm hurting so much for her. It sucks that she put her whole heart into this relationship, trusted the guy with the gift of her self -- not her physical self, but her personhood, you know -- and he was so careless with it. He didn't treasure or cherish the gift she gave him.

I sometimes feel afraid. I'm still heart-whole, having never given anyone my heart before. I hope to come to you that way, giving all of myself for the first time, not just my body but my mind & emotions... but I watch my friend and fear that I might make a mistake and end up entrusting all this to another guy first, a guy who -- like my friend's ex-boyfriend -- will not treasure the immeasurable gift I have to give.

You see, once I fall in love, it's going to be no-holds-barred. There's so much in me that I'm just waiting and aching to give to the right man. Besides, what's the point of entering into a relationship, then holding back from committing all of myself?

That's why I've been so wary about falling in love; it just wouldn't do to give all this to the wrong person.

I don't want to give someone my all, only to have my heart broken. I want to give it to you and you alone, to have you know that you're the only one who's ever been in my heart & mind. To be secure in the knowledge that you will cherish and guard and protect the precious gift of my self, because you'll recognise what a priceless thing it is that I have given you.

So I keep praying that God will continue to guard my heart until you come along, and that He'll help me to recognise you when you do come. I would come to you heart-whole, and experience all the 'firsts' with you -- building shared memories to look back on in years gone by, memories that will be all the more special because I have never experienced anything even remotely similar with any other man.

Dearest,

I found this bit of writing yesterday. It's dated May 8, 2003, and is a sort of prayer for you. Unfinished, though, I think...

Let passion for You burn as a steady flame
deep within his soul
His every act speak of the quiet strength
that comes from standing on eternal rock
With words he shall build up, not tear down
Speaking words of life
flowing from the love You have placed within
Having received grace & mercy
He shall in turn demonstrate grace & mercy to others
Clothed with integrity, the essence of the man
A tender heart to cherish and nurture
A man ready to love, to look out for another
and not just himself

Dearest,

One of my friends said recently that you'll be under much pressure when we meet, because you'll be my first boyfriend (hopefully). She thinks I'll have waaay too many expectations of you.

She used her first boyfriend as an example: she said she was intensely jealous of his ex and wanted him to destroy all the photos of his ex. But he refused because his ex was part of his past and part of what made him the person he is today.

I said that although you might be my first, I don't expect to be your first. Hope, yes, but not expect.

Dunno... it's easy to say things like, "I won't hold anything in his past against him, as long as it's over and he's fully committed to me," but I'm not sure if I would be quite that secure and confident if I were actually faced with the situation!

I told my friend that if you've had other girlfriends, I wouldn't want you to destroy the pictures, but to cherish the good memories. Don't I sound so mature and understanding and magnanimous? *grin*  But I think I wouldn't be able to help feeling a little disappointed in one corner of my heart that I'm not the only one you've been with and experienced stuff with. Like, some of the things we'll do (eg. holding hands) won't be new to you anymore, while they'll be new to me...