Dearest,

This afternoon I went out and bought not one, not two, not three, but FOUR pairs of shoes. And three of them are black!

Can you say "woman"?? LOL

I know, I know, I'm giving women all over the world a bad name. Before going to the shopping mall, I told myself I'd not buy shoes. And look what happened!

Seriously, I feel guilty now. I don't really need more shoes, and I already have so many... Can I blame temporary insanity for this?

So much for trying to be disciplined, and practicing self-control, and all those other things which I really am trying to work on. REALLY!! I honestly don't want to be the kind of stereotype spendthrift wife commonly portrayed by cartoonists. I'm sure you don't want me to be one, either. ;)

Oh, dearest, I've always prayed that you would be good at handling money, because I struggle SO much in this area...

Dearest,

It's been a busy few days. Got "rebuked" by a guy friend, twice.

One of those times, I was doodling during a meeting (I always do this to keep my hands busy, it doesn't mean I'm not paying attention!), while he happened to be seated next to me. He reached over, tapped the table to get my attention, and hissed, "Stop drawing!"

I didn't take exception to what he said, only HOW he said it. While he probably thought that I was daydreaming or being disrespectful to the person who was talking, there really was no need to snap at me... or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive?

To put it mildly, I don't take disapproval and scoldings very well. Used to be that whenever something like this happened, my heart would drop to my toes, I'd feel about as small - and as stupid - as an amoeba (which, you'll notice, is invisible to the naked eye!). I'd want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

Shades of childhood. *grimace*

But I think God's been healing me, and I'm learning not to let every single criticism and negative action affect me so strongly. Still, this incident merely served to remind me how much I need a tender man... someone like you, dearest.

Dearest,

Remember when I asked whether men make lists? (as in lists of the attributes they want in a future wife)

Well, apparently not; E (of my Bible study group) told us, "I don't believe in having a list because then you box yourself in and limit yourself. Besides, your criteria are going to change as time goes by and you yourself evolve as a person."

I will grant that the changing thing is true, but I don't believe that a list is the epitome of inflexibility. It just makes sense for me to know roughly what I'm looking for, so that firstly I will know it when I find it, and secondly I won't settle for less. Still, honestly he made me feel so silly for having made a list!

Mind you, this is the same guy who called me "insular" when I said that I mostly listen to Christian songs and worship music. It's getting to be so that every time he opens his mouth, I start to feel lacking in some way. I feel inadequate.

Not sure if this is a problem with me or with him. But I would like to blame it on him, of course!

Dearest,

My name has always been important to me, because my identity is tied up with it. I've always been picky about getting it spelt correctly and pronounced accurately.

Being Chinese (I'm Malaysian Chinese) meant that I had an appropriately Chinese name, one that lent itself to much mangling at the mouths and pens of others. So, when I was baptised at 15, I chose an "English/Christian" name. One that was more familiar and easy to remember, like Emily or Rose or Julie. One that couldn't be butchered by unwieldy tongues.

And now I am known by this new name; I use it both professionally as well as in my personal life.

But I still identify more with Ping. It is somehow more intimate and more me than this other name can ever be. It is the name my family calls me by; it is the name with which I sign off my letters to God in my private journals.

Yet if I were to meet you now, I doubt you'd call me Ping. You're more likely to know me by... that name that everyone else now knows me by. A name I've appropriated and made my own, yet probably will never fully embrace.

It's a strange position to be in. Like being me, yet not me.

Am I making any sense at all??

Dearest,

Sorry for the long silence. Life is getting hectic :)

I bought three books on singleness (or is that singlehood?) recently. After all, I'm single right now, am I not? *grin*

Single: The Jesus Model, by Heather Wraight
Getting The Most Out Of Being Single: The Gift Of Single Womanhood, by Gien Karssen
One Is A Whole Number, by Barbara Sroka

You know that time when Jesus was teaching about divorce and the disciples exclaimed, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry"? Well, the first book starts off by analysing Jesus' reply,

"Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven."

Congenital ("born that way") has to do with a physical/genetical handicap that perhaps renders a man unable to have sexual intercourse or prevents a person from ever fathering/conceiving children. Of course, this doesn't mean he/she can't marry, but sometimes a condition of this kind can be a barrier to marriage, especially in other cultures or societies. Wraight includes Christians with homosexual orientation in this category. I think people who might risk passing on genetic conditions (such as thalassemia) to their children would also be included here.

Circumstances ("made that way by men") doesn't need much explanation, eg. those have been bereaved of a spouse or whose spouse has deserted them. Also, we know that in most churches, the women tend to outnumber the men, so... some will end up remaining single due to circumstances.

Choice ("renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven") was Jesus' own reason for remaining unmarried: "More than having not married, He had renounced marriage... He was unmarried and would remain so, not because He was physically unable to marry, nor because no one found Him attractive, but because he had something more important to do with His life. The kingdom of heaven took priority for Him, and to put that first He had renounced something which most people took for granted."

She emphasises that while a celibate lifestyle is not superior to a married one, it IS a valid alternative - and one that any person can choose. More on this later...

Dearest,

This lady says there is no such thing as the gift of singleness:

Everyone starts off in life as being single and some people leave singleness for a while to be married and some people are single again later on. God does not bless people with the "gift" of singleness or the "gift" of marriage but rather we are single or we marry in the course of our lives.

I don't see why singleness and marriage cannot be gifts. In fact, I thought it was commonly accepted that Scripture speaks of singleness as a gift: Jesus Himself said, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given" (emphasis mine). Likewise, Paul implied that his singleness was a gift from God.

Heather Wraight (Single: The Jesus Model) comments:

As with all gifts, including the gift of salvation, (this one) must be received and entered into personally.

It is the Giver who chooses the gifts, and it is not for us to tell Him what to give us, or to pout if we receive something we don't really want/like. Elisabeth Elliot (Let Me Be A Woman) points out that God's gifts may be for a season only. As long as I am single, I have the gift of singlehood; He may or may not choose to grant me the gift of marriage later. Nevertheless, He's faithful, and I'm learning to be content with that :)

Dearest,

So. I'm currently single, which means I currently have the gift of singlehood.

Of course, if it's to be a temporary thing, as I mentioned yesterday, that's easier to take. But the problem is I don't know whether God will grant me the gift of marriage later. (Which makes me wonder whom I'm writing these letters to now!)

If I knew that I was to remain single for my lifetime, I'm not sure if I would still be as contented as I am now. My present contentment has been hard-won, and it's only been possible because I'm trusting God to bring you to me. What if there's no "you"? What if God were to say to me, "Remain single"???

Why would that be so bad? I guess I desire marriage so much that if God were to say no, I'd feel cheated. I'd feel like He was depriving me of something good and desirable. It's like the serpent whispered to Eve: "You're not gonna die. It's good stuff - God just doesn't want you to eat it coz He doesn't want you to become like Him!"

Elisabeth Elliot talks about this fear of deprivation:

Our myopic vision easily concludes that God is depriving us of the one thing we believe would make us truly happy... Remember Eve! It was in her heart that the tyranny of self began, and all the rest of us fall prey to that same vicious tyranny. It is pride that lifts itself above God - we know better, we fear He is cheating us. My will is best. His will will be my downfall... May we keep in mind the promise of Scripture: "My God will meet all your needs" (Philippians 4:19). We are His children. We can trust our Father to be the best judge of just what our needs may be.
-- Quest For Love

Dearest,

Although singlehood might be a gift, I have problems seeing it as a good gift. (Especially if it is going to last for life!)

Of course it's "good" in the sense that it will enable me to focus my energies totally on serving God. Paul pointed that out too.

But how is it "good" for ME, as a person?!

And here I realise that I've fallen into the "me trap" - thinking that it's all about me, my happiness, and my comfort. I'm supposed to be seeking first God's kingdom and His righteousness, not my own desires and longings!

Heather Wraight (Single: The Jesus Model) writes:

Many are so conditioned by the thinking of our culture that the only gift they want is the gift of a suitable husband or wife. Not having a partner around to share life is a burden, not a gift. But being celibate can be embraced as a positive gift for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.