November 2008 Archives

I need to give myself more time to write. It's not that I don't have things to say, it's that i just don't think they are that important to get "out there" anymore. Is anybody even reading this now? lol

Work is good. Some of you know that I started teaching in July. I'd been thinking of teaching for the past... oh, maybe 3 years and to finally be doing it was strange and funny and cool and scary and amazing. I still have trouble thinking of myself as a teacher; "writer" comes more easily to mind, but teaching is fulfilling and fun in a way that writing has never been. Maybe writing was just too easy :P

Can't believe that a semester has already ended, I've been teaching for a whole semester. At my performance review, my boss said I'm "a natural teacher". My jaw dropped! Like, what? Really??? I'd never thought of myself as a teacher before (probably why it's so difficult for me to think of myself as one, now) so to be told that I'm a natural has left me rather speechless. I know friends had told me they thought I'd be a great teacher, but they're friends, they're SUPPOSED to say things like that :P  Hearing it from your boss is another thing altogether!

My boss also recommended me for permanent employment -- I'd started on a 6-month contract, which was supposed to end mid-December. After I signed the offer letter with HR, I left feeling like, omigosh I'm really, really, really a teacher. For the foreseeable future! Wow!

And it's... good. Really good. I wouldn't say that teaching is my "dream job" -- that has too much of an idealistic ring to it. My dream job was journalism, which I did approach with a great deal of optimism and excitement, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to try it. But teaching is so much more "real". Can't explain it any better than that :D  It just "fits", it feels right somehow.

I'm looking forward to next semester!

Had dinner with Mom, she's flying back to Sabah tomorrow. Managed to stay calm and unirritated during dinner, which is great ;)

As I dropped Mom at my uncle's house, where she's been staying, she told me to feel free to let her know if I have any prayer requests. You guys know what I said, right? I said, "Pray for a husband!" (See? You totally knew I was going to say that!)

"Pray every day?" Mom asked playfully.

"Um, pray lah."

"You're serious? All this time, I always thought you were joking!"

I was like O.O ... I mean ... hello the WHOLE WORLD knows that I want to get married, how is it that my mother doesn't know? It's not like I've made any secret of it! I have continually mentioned it throughout the years!

I'm so baffled. I'm wondering, What planet has Mom been living on?!? Granted, this is not something new, but really... how could it possibly have escaped her notice that I really, really want to find someone to love and be loved by, to marry and to have children with???

Parents!!! *rolls eyes*

People keep telling me I'm smiley and I get accused of smiling even when I'm not. I think the ends of my mouth just naturally tilt upwards, either that or my facial muscles arrange themselves into a semblance of a smile even when I'm not smiling.

Over the weekend, I read a 2002 Reader's Digest article about facial expressions. [condensed from the New Yorker, original article here] Apparently research has shown that if your facial muscles move to imitate an angry look, you'll correspondingly feel out of sorts, and if they work together to display a sad look, you're going to then feel dispirited and unhappy. Usually we think the face reflects what we already feel, but psychologist Paul Ekman found that emotions can also start on the face.

This is interesting because we all know people who have a naturally fierce or angry kind of look if they aren't smiling or talking to you; and we also know people who have a rather dissatisfied, unhappy kind of look that seems permanently stamped on their face. I always thought that it was one of the vagaries of nature, what kind of look you end up with. I didn't ask to be smiley, I couldn't imagine that these other people would have asked to look fierce or unhappy either!

But I wonder if it's buried in our subconscious, and if we could perhaps change or control it if we tried to. I know I generally feel good, not bouncing-on-the-walls ecstatic but quietly contented and happy; maybe that's related to my smiley-ness? I'm told I smile at my computer monitor, I smile when I'm reading, I smile when I'm staring into space and thinking of nothing in particular... well, maybe that's what makes me feel optimistic and positive. I don't know.

Ekman (the psychologist I mentioned earlier -- remember him? hehe) asked volunteers to make faces expressing various feelings, showing them how to manipulate the various facial muscles in order to get appropriate results. Then he asked the same people to think about an incident in the past which would make them actually feel that way. He found that just making the facial expression affected the volunteers' heart rate and temperature -- which are physiological signs of emotions -- in the same way that the actual feelings did.

So if you generally feel unhappy or discontented with life... well, maybe that's due to your circumstances, which you can't really control or change. But you know what? You can change your facial expression. And maybe feeling better will help you to focus more on the positives in your life and that will give you the strength and energy to face the challenges or difficulties. I dunno... just a thought ;)

Like I said, recently I dabbled with the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could live with a partner who doesn't share my faith. After all, I used to be really gung-ho and enthusiastic about what I believe, about church and God and serving and ministry and all that, whereas now I'm... well, I still care, but not in the happy-clappy, single-minded way I used to.

My faith still means a lot to me. But I'm a lot less rigid and black-and-white about it now. A lot less self-righteous and convinced that I have all the answers.

So I decided to bend a little. But in the bending, I found that this is more than a firmly entrenched and deeply rooted belief, more than a stubborn conviction... it has so much to do with what I want for myself, how I want my future to be like. We simply can't be compatible in the fullest, most meaningful way if we -- my partner and I -- aren't both journeying with God.

Discussing this with a friend, she said, "I think you needed this experience so you could really understand what you wouldn't compromise."

"Yeah, I always wondered, and now I know," I admitted.

Then she dropped this bombshell. "To be fair, the 'godly' men you used to imagine marrying might not exactly be a good fit with you. I imagine you marrying people like the married men at church, and... err... honestly, macam tak ngam lor..." [it's like you guys wouldn't be a good match]

"Most of them are too meek for you, to be frank," she added.

I was like, WHAT?!?!!

"Haven't you noticed? Most of the married women are the 'pastor's wives' type... meek, smiley and quiet. You need someone who's fine with your strong personality."

"But although my personality is strong, I'm not overwhelming what," I argued. "I don't try to dictate to people, and I'm not aggressive."

"Malaysian men are easily overwhelmed."

"Haiyo why so wimpy wan!"

"What to do..."

The truth is, there's really no point in blaming the guys. We can say they're indecisive, blind, wimpy, picky, shallow, or whatever, but that doesn't change the situation -- it just makes one bitter. I do hear single Christian girls often complain about Christian guys like this, and I myself have done it on occasion, but I think it's time to stop. Focusing on the negatives is not going to help anyone find a mate.

If I'm serious about trusting God to provide for me in all areas, then I have to trust Him to also find one guy who's not like that and to send the dude my way, and in that case it really doesn't matter if all the other billions of Christian guys out there are like that :P  And if He doesn't do it, then I have to trust that He still has my best interests at heart, even though it is painful to have an unfulfilled dream.

Of course, I did not say that trusting was easy!!!

Just got a very belated birthday present from Dad (my birthday's in August). It's a book: The Lie That Tells A Truth -- A Guide To Writing Fiction.
 
In all my four years of journalism, Dad never seemed to pay much attention to the fact that I was writing for a living. In fact, my entire family seemed rather indifferent to the way I earned my keep, as long as I could earn it somehow. Dad hadn't wanted me to get into journalism in the first place, although he never demonstrated any outright disapproval after I started writing for the paper.
 
So I get a call from Dad on my birthday.
 

"I bought you a gift, but I had to order it, so you'll have to wait. It will only get here in a month or so."
 
"Oh, thank you, Dad! What is it?"
 
"It's a book on writing."
 
[shocked pause, during which I remember the 38 books on writing that I already own and hope this isn't going to be a duplicate of any of them]
 
"You want to be a writer, right?"
 
"Um, Dad, I'm already a writer." ...And now no longer write for a living, too!
 
"Well, this book will help you to be a great writer!"

Life has been great over the past two years, steadily getting better. I'm happier and more contented and at peace than I've ever been. I feel so blessed and sometimes I'm almost scared. Will this last? Can a person be too blessed?

God has been so good to me... but I'm very aware that it's easy for me to say that because things are going well. I'm also aware that things are not always meant to go smoothly in our lives. Somehow I keep wondering if the other shoe will drop anytime soon, and what will I do when that happens?

This feels like an idyll, a time out of time. I can't remember knowing such a peaceful, smooth period, ever. Maybe everything is finally falling into place coz I've paid my dues and learnt the hard lessons I had to learn. Or maybe it's a merciful break from all the struggles and angst and pain and tears that went before. Either way, I'm thankful.

I love pasar malam (night markets). Lurrrrrve.

Went to the SS2 pasar malam tonight -- haven't been there for ages, used to go fairly often with housemates when I was staying in SS2. Ever since we moved out in April, I think I've only been there once.

Bought: durian, sticks of fried chicken gizzard, crispy folded pancake sprinkled with peanuts and sweet corn (apom? I don't even know what that's called), siew mai (type of dim sum), glutinous rice dumpling with red bean paste filling (chang), sweet potato kuih, kuih ko chi, and two fat curry puffs. I always buy too much when I go to the pasar malam, but then, I can't resist! I have enough food for the next 3 days now... I'm always complaining to Mr TDH that there's no food in the house, hehehe.

***

Minishorts' wedding was beautiful. I didn't bring my camera, coz I was helping out and didn't think I'd have the time or opportunity to take photos. I wish now I'd brought it, but oh well... *shrugs in resignation*

Eric teared up as he watched Minishorts walk down the aisle to him, and when they said their vows to each other they both got choked up with emotion. It was soooo moving! If you read Minishorts' blog, you'll know how stressed out she's been in the lead-up to the wedding and how many ups and downs she's had with Eric. But they've weathered it all and now they're married.

The wedding reminded me of all the things I want out of a relationship and marriage, all the things I've hoped for, all the things I think are right and good. It was a timely reminder. Sivin's reference to a three-strand cord being stronger than one with only two strands -- referring to God being the third party in the marriage, binding the couple together -- was vivid and reminded me of how crucial it is that God be the foundation of any relationship I might have.

Recently I'd been thinking that maybe I could abandon that idea and live with something different. But at the wedding I was reminded that no, this is the way marriage should be and that's what I want for myself, that's what I've wanted all along. There is really no point entering into a marriage if God is not in the picture. That's how it is for me.