Intimacy with God
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There is an intimacy with God, but it's like any other intimacy; it's part of the fabric of your life. In marriage you don't feel intimate most of the time. Nor with a friend. Intimacy isn't primarily a mystical emotion. It's a way of life, a life of openness, honesty, a certain transparency.--Eugene Peterson, Spirituality for all the Wrong Reasons
I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago. When I was younger, I used to always long for a more intimate relationship with God, want to be closer to Him, feel slightly guilty for not loving Him enough. It wasn't really just about emotions, but I guess emotions were a big part of it. Hard to believe you're close to someone unless you feel close, especially if it's someone you can't see or hear or touch.
Now that I no longer worry about these things or long for these things, I wonder if I'm getting complacent. It's nice not to constantly worry that I'm disappointing God or that He's upset with me, but at the same time... well, let's just say that I know I could be trying harder to live a holy life. I wonder whether this is the start of a slippery slope downwards? Am I taking God for granted? Starting to compromise my beliefs and values?
On the other hand... although I wouldn't say that I'm actively making God the centre of my life the way I used to, or that I always seek His counsel when making decisions, I am constantly aware that He's present in my life and, although I don't actively consult Him when I'm deciding, I think of Him when I'm deciding. Not sure whether that's quite the same thing.
But if you talk about intimacy being "a way of life", as Peterson said above, then maybe it is supposed to be this way; I don't know. I used to put a great deal of effort into building a closer relationship with God -- by attempting to live a holy (obedient) life, reading the Bible, attending church service, going to youth group meetings, journaling, talking to Him, etc. -- but I also used to feel very insecure about my relationship with Him. Now I don't anymore. I realised yesterday that it's taken me this long to accept that I am loved. It's taken me this long to believe that I am loved... not just by God, but by my parents too, and even friends. Wow, how did that happen?
Anyway, despite not working very much on my relationship with God anymore, I'm more at peace than I've ever been. I no longer worry that He'll lose patience with me because I've sinned one too many times. I no longer worry that He must be disappointed with me because I've broken my promises to Him again and let Him down for the hundredth time. I no longer worry that He won't listen to me or answer my prayers because I brought the consequences upon myself and don't deserve to be helped. I no longer worry that He'll be upset with me because I seem to only turn to Him or pay more attention to Him when I'm in need or facing trouble.
Granted, I don't feel that my relationship with God is as close or intimate as it used to be, partly because I'm not really doing anything to maintain the so-called intimacy. In fact, I've stopped doing most of the things I've described above. Yet this kind of peace is a blessed relief from the fears and tensions which used to accompany any former feelings of intimacy.
I wonder whether you have to be consciously cultivating a relationship in order to have intimacy. I used to have this mindset that if I really mattered to someone, they'd make the effort to keep in touch, and I was REALLY uptight about this because I was so insecure. But now I accept that we don't have to be in constant contact and I don't automatically interpret silence as a rejection. More, I sort of assume that even if I don't contact the person for awhile, they know that it's not because I don't want to or that I'm deliberately ignoring them; and that when we finally do get in contact again, they will be as happy to hear from me as I am to hear from them, and we will simply catch up and go on sharing our stories with one another as we have before.
I guess there's a certain element of consciousness to maintaining relationships, but on the other hand also a lack of calculativeness. With a friend, you can call and ask for help without needing to worry that they'll accuse you of only calling when you need them (of course, don't make it a habit lah!). There's no element of anxiety, you're not constantly worried about the relationship and haunted by fears & insecurities about the other person's feelings towards you. That's how I am with God now -- the elements of calculation and anxiety are missing, which is probably why I also don't try as hard anymore; I know I don't have to wear myself out trying to win Him over or do all the "right" things so that He'll be happy with me.
I'm still not sure if I'm getting complacent, but I know I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been. Does that count for anything?