Epiphany: marriage
Was giving relationship advice to someone (ironic, I know) when it struck me: once married, you're united not just against the world, but against even the problems in your marriage. If you face frequent communication breakdowns or have difficulty resolving conflicts, you have to be united against these issues.
Conflict and miscommunication puts a couple on opposite sides of each other. But you have to step around that and align yourselves on the same side, placing the conflict itself on the opposite side. Instead of letting conflict divide you, it should unite you. You stand together, identify that as the enemy, declare war on it, determine not to tolerate it, refuse to let it separate you; work on the issues together, support each other, find ways to weave bonds and reduce friction.
Conflict is camouflage. It often springs up out of deeper issues, yet is so explosive and fraught with emotion that the issues are obscured, and instead of addressing the issues, you tend to immerse yourselves in the conflict. That's why you have to step back from the conflict, refuse to allow it to divide you, align yourselves on the same side.
Then, and only then, can you pinpoint the deeper issues, because if you don't first ensure that you're on the same side, it's going to turn into a fault-finding mission and cause greater divisiveness, hurt, and rejection. Once you know that your spouse is on your side, working together with you, it is easier (note, I didn't say easy, I said easier) to stop being defensive. Because he is a safe place. You share a common goal. You are supporting each other in the pursuit of that goal. He isn't there to pick out your faults, and you aren't there to pick out his. You are both there to work this thing out. He's on your side; he's not attacking you. You're on his side; you're not attacking him.
Then you will be able to turn your combined energies to address the deeper issues that are affecting the relationship and haunting each other's lives. The conflict sort of becomes secondary.
I know this sounds great in theory but will be tough to practice. Still, everything has to start somewhere!
Personally, I find this scary because if only one partner is committed and determined to work at the problem, and the other prefers to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist, the first partner is going to find it a long, lonely, and painful battle. You can't make the other person be united with you against the problem.
Believe it or not, this post has nothing to do with and was not inspired by my brother's wedding...