The Wilful Sunflower

Would you rather be thought of with affection and fondness or awe and envy? I've always leant towards the former, myself.

The thing is... that sounds great when you think about it in isolation. But then you get out into the Big Scary World and you want to be Somebody. You want to do Something. You want to Stand Out From The Crowd.

You notice that people who are successful are thought of with awe and envy. How did they get there? Everybody wants to know the secret of their success. They are extremely special. But the ones who quietly go about their daily lives investing in the lives of others are often overlooked. They are special only to those around them. Mother Teresa was an exception, but still... we don't exactly think of her as a success, do we? Whereas people like Steve Jobs and Tan Sri Francis Yeoh are definitely considered successful.

I constantly live in a state of tension. I want to be successful, by the common definition of "success": a person who's achieved something big, reached great heights, and is world-famous. Most of the time they're rich, too, which is a definite plus. On the other hand, I've always believed that the most important legacy you can leave behind is the people you've come into contact with. The ones who'll remember you with fondness and affection and say nice things about you because they really did like you, and not just because you're dead.

Although I've redefined the meaning of 'success' for myself, the common definition of the word still trips me up pretty frequently. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I don't "amount to anything" as long as I have done my best to live my life with generosity, compassion, and kindness. Unfortunately, some days I look in the mirror and think, "I'm almost 29! What have I done with my life?!? I haven't achieved anything!"

I guess the difficulty in holding on to less tangible goals is that you can't taste achievement (or success) because there isn't anything concrete to prove it. If you have position, power, wealth and fame, not only can YOU see it, everybody else sees it too. Whereas if, like me, you hope to make a difference in people's lives, you can't ever know what kind of mark you've left upon the heart and soul of those around you. Some days I wander around thinking that I have totally not made a difference. Then I bump into someone who tells me I otherwise, and I'm amazed because it just seems so incredible that I might have had such an impact on another person!

That wears off too fast, though, and then I'm back to feeling that I'm a loser in the Adult World stakes because all my friends are buying houses or condominiums and I can only afford to rent. Hell, I wouldn't even have a car if it weren't for Dad's generosity. While people are making their own way in the world and climbing up the career ladder, I can barely stand on my own two feet and my career is in limbo. Arrrggh!

I think those who choose to embrace different values from the mainstream are always going to live in this state of tension. On one hand, I know what I want and what I believe in. On the other hand, sometimes I'm seduced into thinking that I actually want something else, because isn't it good to want to be successful and make something of yourself? Sure it is. But what if I want to make something of myself that isn't defined in terms of career or money or trophies? Am I strong enough to brave the imagined whispers that tell me I'm a nobody or a failure?