The Wilful Sunflower

Now that things are kind of settling down and I'm back to my normal recognisable self again (as opposed to the lost and unhappy person I was for most of 2006), I'm allowing myself to think about having a relationship. Last year, I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to get into a relationship with anyone, and besides, I didn't want to put any guy through all that "Woe is me! I want to kill myself!" crap.

Of course, it wasn't crap when I was in it. It was real enough and pretty torturous.

Anyway, so I am wondering what my position should be when it comes to liking a guy. Should I tell him? Should I not tell him? I know it's the 20th century and all that, but I've always said that the guy should have enough guts -- and want me enough -- to make the first move. I dunno... is that too idealistic?

Of course I have a particular guy in mind here. I'm attracted to him, and have been kind of admiring him for the past two years. Gosh, this is starting to sound like a high school crush. *cringe*

The problem is, we are more like acquaintances than friends. (Thank God he at least knows I exist.) We move in entirely different circles and hardly get to meet each other. When we do meet, there are always other people around coz it's at some event or a group outing, and we don't get to converse much with each other. I mainly want to get to know him better, because I believe love must grow from friendship. You have to know someone before you can love the person. If you don't know who he is inside, what are you loving? His looks? His financial status? His career prospects?

But we don't even have a real friendship yet. When we meet, we do talk about stuff. But if we don't meet, there's no communication at all. I don't know how to try to develop a friendship in these kinds of circumstances. I don't know if I should just say to him, "Look, I'm interested, but I want to get to know you better first and be friends. Can we do that?"

In case you didn't know, I'm pretty direct. I don't believe in beating around the bush and playing games. And I'm impatient. Which is part of the reason why I prefer a guy to initiate... coz I don't want to end up bulldozing my way through and rushing things which shouldn't be rushed.

Back to this guy: on the other hand, I happen to know that he and I have at least one wildly differing interest, and it is a really major one. To me, it's not necessary that a couple should share common interests in EVERYTHING -- how boring that would be! But I did use to think that it's important for them to share the major interests. Like, for example, if he loved to travel to far-away, exotic places, but I detested travelling. That would be difficult, don't you think? He could still go alone, but it wouldn't be as fun as if we were able to go together. Yet it wouldn't be fun to drag me along if I hated every minute of it and was having a perfectly miserable time, either.

So I don't really know if we're, uh, "compatible", or if a relationship between us could work. But I really want to get to know him better (even if we weren't suited to be a couple, I know enough of him to have a feeling he'd be an invaluable friend). On the other hand, I don't know if such a thought has ever entered his mind with reference to me. And I'm terrified. What if I am the antithesis of everything he has ever dreamt about in a partner? Then how??!??