How it scares me now
Bob keeps on trying to push me back into writing. It frustrates me. I asked him why he's doing this and he said I should go back to doing what I'm good at. I think he's afraid I'll find out that teaching doesn't suit me after all and then I will be devastated and lost all over again and he'll have to stand by and suffer through my emo-ing!
I told him I want to try teaching because then I will know for sure whether I can or cannot do it -- and if I can't, at least I'll have tried. He doesn't seem to understand why I want to teach, which is something I cannot really explain even to myself... it's just something that has been floating around in my mind for the last 3-4 years, and I've got to try it, or forever wonder "what if".
If it doesn't work out, I can always go back to writing. But I don't see why I should go back to writing without even trying the teaching thing first.
Besides, I'm scared because I've realised I don't exactly like writing when it becomes work. You know the Sex & Cash theory? "The creative person basically has two kinds of jobs: One is the sexy, creative kind. Second is the kind that pays the bills. Sometimes the task in hand covers both bases, but not often. This tense duality will always play center stage. It will never be transcended."
In journalism I had the perfect blend: the sexy job brought in the cash. Unfortunately, once the sex began to morph into cash, it assimilated so well that it lost its sexy character, ie., I no longer enjoyed writing for work. In fact, I began to dread it.
Bob believes that this was due to the nature of the things I was writing about. Last night he told me should go back into journalism because I have the "journalistic instinct". I do? I replied, puzzled. Yes, he said. "Even when you are not interested in the subjects I'm talking about and are totally ignorant of the issues, you still manage to ask pertinent questions!" Gee, I never even noticed that my questions were pertinent...