Grace demonstrated
"You have amazing friends," Ariel said to me. I do, don't I? ;)
It is something new to me, having friends like these. As a child I was quite an introvert and, although I did have friends in school and in church youth group, I found it hard to really 'click' with most of them. We talked about crushes and giggled over boys, but I was looking for friends who shared my love for God and my desire to know Him. Those seemed hard to come by.
In college I found myself frustrated in friendships because I believed that my friends didn't really care about me (or at least, they didn't care as much as I wanted them to). I was hung up on expectations then... about how I cared so deeply but they didn't seem to reciprocate the feeling, how I tried so hard but they seemed to do little in return.
Somehow I ended up here, with things sort of falling into place and all these wonderful people in my life. I don't know how this happened, because I'm certainly not trying as hard as I was in college! But I feel blessed because I now have the kind of friends and friendships that I've longed for all my life.
I told Ariel that at this point in my life, I feel God is demonstrating His grace to me through the people around me. Like, I have done nothing to deserve friends like these, nothing to deserve the love and care and concern shown to me. A lot of times over the past two or three years I have been the receipient of stunning generosity from various friends -- both online as well as in 'real life' -- and each time they leave me speechless, these extraordinary friends of mine.
It is harder than I thought, learning to accept grace. Even when I know I need it -- like when a friend offers me cash during a time when I'm desperately broke -- I keep on feeling like I shouldn't be taking it from him or her. I feel embarrassed at my need because I am 28 and have been working for five years and I should be able to stand on my own two feet by now. Besides, my friends are just like me, not rolling in riches, just doing their best to make a comfortable living. It doesn't seem right for me to take from them when I know they've worked so hard for what they have and they probably don't have much to spare, themselves. It makes their gifts extremely precious.
So I think about God and how a lot of times I don't feel like I deserve His help... not just when I get into difficulties with my budget, but in various other situations as well. I usually feel like it's my own fault for getting into trouble (let's admit it, a lot of times we walk right into temptation with our eyes wide open) and I find it so hard to accept that God would overlook all that and help me anyway. Learning to accept grace is a very difficult thing. There's still a part of me that believes I should suffer and be punished and "face the music" (as Mom would put it).
God is far, far, FAR more gracious than I have ever imagined. I mean, grace as a concept and grace in action are two totally different things, on complete opposite ends of the pole. It's one thing to know about grace and another thing to have it demonstrated to you in such concrete ways. I guess the same goes for God -- it's one thing to know about God, and another to experience Him. Thank you, my friends, for being a living embodiment to me of the Father's love and grace.