On the brink
Which is worse -- physical suicide, or moral suicide? My flight back got delayed and I was left stuck in the airport with this thought running around in my head...
I've been teetering perilously close to the brink over the past few weeks... am very close to abandoning all the long-held principles of purity I've fought so hard to preserve.
I think I've reached a point where I'm just fed-up with the way everything's going... like on Sunday, I was so fed-up with the whole Christianity thing -- people keep on telling me that God is the answer, He will fill the empty places in your heart, you must find your security in Christ, blah blah blah... oh yeah? How? Tell me how!! Because I've tried and prayed for years that it would happen and IT AIN'T WORKING!!!
And because it ain't working, because I'm still lonely and feeling alone and tired of trying to do the right thing all the time with so little to show for it... because I've waited for 28 years for Mr Special and he's nowhere in sight and for all I know, may not even exist... because I'm curious about sex and horny and want someone to hold me... I'm very close to crossing the line.
I'm so scared. I'm very, very tempted... then again it is hard to throw caution to the winds and let myself go, after 28 years of believing and practising the principles of sexual purity. I have never even held hands with a guy, you know, and never been kissed. Yeah there's been porn, but that was in my head.
And I don't know whether I could live with myself if I allowed myself to cross this line. If I ended up guilt-stricken then I would be in extremely deep shit, wouldn't I? Deeper than ever before. So which is worse, physical suicide or moral suicide? Or maybe it's all the same, the latter could very well lead to the former...