Not working
I found myself crying throughout the singing during church Sunday service this morning... just felt so disconnected from everything around me. Everyone was joyfully singing praises and clapping hands and stuff, and I was standing there trying my best to worship God, but I didn't have the joy they had, and I don't know how to get it... I guess that's why I cried.
It comes to mind that this isn't working. This whole Christianity thing isn't working for me. How can one love God and yet still feel so empty inside, so terrified and alone? Does anyone else feel the same way, or is it just me?
Why does it work for people like Mom, who talk about God as if He's a real person to them, as real as someone you could reach out and touch, someone you could invite to tea and have a chat with and hug goodbye after that?
I love God, I try to live in His ways, I know Scripture, I serve in ministry... it's all hollow, meaningless. Life is just a matter of getting through one day so I can move on to the next... all I can do is keep pushing on, but a few days ago I caught myself wondering, push on for what? I don't know what I'm pushing on for. I'm only pushing on because I can't stop going just like that.
Where the hell is God? I try to reach out for Him, but I keep grasping thin air and coming up empty-handed. I don't know how to make Him real to me any more than I know how to 'hear' from Him. Do you know what it is like to always be longing for something more, and not knowing exactly what it is or how to get there? It's like groping in the dark.
Worst of all, this seems to me like another failure in a string of failures. Dear God, I'm so scared and wounded and alone and grieving. Help me.