Indefinable
When I read accounts like that of Chris Rose, I find myself thinking that I can't be sufferring from depression after all. I am not that bad. I still function more or less normally, although I also have bad days when my mobile phone is on 'silent mode' and I refuse to come out of my room.
Last month I interviewed a psychiatrist for an article I was writing, and he said in order to be diagnosed with clinical depression, patients have to suffer from at least five of the following nine symptoms for two consecutive weeks:
- Have a depressed mood for most of the day
- Diminished interest or pleasure in activities
- More than 5% weight loss or gain over that period of time
- Insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much) nearly every day
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation (being restless or lethargic)
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feeling of worthlessness and excessive or inappropriate guilt
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate; indecisiveness
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
I almost wish I did, because it would be comforting to be able to put a name or a label to this state of affairs. Just like I told Sherman that I sometimes wish I could crash, like, you know, land in hospital (not die!) -- coz then I would have the luxury to just relax and rest and not need to worry about anything. Everyone would just back off and give me the space I crave for, and stop expecting me to do this & that.
As it is, I appear normal and am functioning more or less normally, so I'm still expected to deliver and do the things an ordinary person should be able to do. I used to believe that I was not doing them simply because I'd become lazy and was slacking off. Later I thought maybe it was more than that. Now I'm not sure again.