The Wilful Sunflower

"I'm addicted to porn!" -- the words jumped out at me from the contents page of Female magazine's September issue. The short description of the article says, "Three women reveal their darkest secret -- being hooked on pornography."

I flipped to the article and was disappointed; it did not even begin to address the issue of addiction. Seemed to me that the only purpose of the article was to trigger a reaction from the reader -- tabloid journalism, pure and simple. But you know, so many people -- both men and women -- struggle with this addiction that I wish more writers and magazines would address this topic seriously.

When does something become an addiction? In No Stones: Women Redeemed From Sexual Shame, Marnie C. Ferree lists down the four characteristics of addictive behaviour:

1. Compulsion -- feeling "driven" to view porn and powerless to fight the urge, unable to stop no matter how hard you try;
2. Obsession -- becoming intensely preoccupied with it and focusing all your attention on it, to the point of ignoring or neglecting other areas of your life;
3. Continuing despite negative consequences -- when you keep doing what you're doing despite knowing you're headed for trouble, despite knowing that you risk losing all that is precious to you;
4. Tolerance -- needing to view more and more porn or more extreme forms of it in order to obtain the same effect that a milder form used to bring.

Does this sound familiar? Coz it sounded familiar to me. In particular, I can identify with #4, because I started off reading sex scenes in romance novels, which only occur between a couple who is in love. Then it progressed to sex scenes between couples who were in lust (sex for sex's sake). Then it progressed to more and more extreme stuff, including sex with multiple partners.

And it's scary, because I read these things and I know that they don't jive with what I believe -- because I believe that the act of sexual intercourse is meant to be an expression of love & intimacy between a man & a woman who have committed themselves to each other in a marriage relationship.

Now, if you were to read or see something which is the exact antithesis of all that you believe is right and good and true, wouldn't something inside your heart move to repudiate that thing and reject it? Wouldn't you say, "No, that's not the way it's supposed to be," and turn away either in disgust or sorrow? But do I react that way? No, I don't. Instead, I avidly consume those stories that depict all these sexual acts and scenarios I supposedly don't agree with. That really, really scares me.

And talk about obsession -- it's like once I start, I can't stop. I'm stuck in front of the computer, surfing the Net for more and more material, until 5am, 6am, 7am. The sun comes up and my eyes are gritty but I can't seem to tear myself away.

How many times have I told God I would stop this? How many times have I erased all traces of porn from my computer, thrown away books and print-outs, repented, renounced, prayed for cleansing, rededicated my life to God? I've lost count. My journals are filled with moments of despair when I've succumbed again, when I've given up trying to fight because it seems like I just can't win, when guilt has crushed me and I've felt like a total hypocrite.

A common assumption is that sexual addicts are nothing more than moral failures. Many consider them weak of character and will. Clearly they must lack faith and genuine commitment to God. If only they would try harder and be more intentional in their Bible study and prayers, they wouldn't sin sexually. These beliefs are inaccurate and only compound an addict's shame. Most sexually addicted women have prayed about their problem and begged God to free them from its power. They have read God's Word and been convicted of their sin. They have tried to stop and have been unable to maintain abstinence from inappropriate sexual behaviour. If the solution were as simple as taking these steps, far fewer women would remain enslaved.

Marnie C. Ferree says that sexual addiction is a disease, much like alcoholism is a disease. Yes, it's sin, but it's also a disease. She stresses that treating sexual addiction as a disease doesn't absolve the person from responsibility for his or her sinful behaviour. The person would still need to admit her sin, become convicted of her status as a sinner before God, repent of her actions and lust, and turn from her behaviour. However, taking these spiritual steps alone are not enough to bring recovery from the addiction. In fact, she goes so far as to say, "Addressing the problem through only religious solutions is incomplete and doomed to failure."

I'm only at the end of Chapter 3 of the book now, so I haven't yet discovered what steps might help bring recovery. Stay tuned.