The Wilful Sunflower

The devastating truth is that I don't like who I am. It's a hard thing to admit to myself, let alone the whole wide world. But there you have it.

Yesterday I was in the midst of writing something else when I realised that a lot of times I don't just feel guilty for what I do or don't do -- I feel guilty for being the kind of person I am. As it's kinda hard (impossible?) to change who I am inside, I have loads of internal conflict going on all the time. I feel guilty for being girly and liking pretty things, I feel guilty for being 'lembik' (spineless) and wanting little luxuries, I feel guilty for not being who others have always told me I should be. That girl is supposed to be thrifty and practical, self-disciplined (which includes self-denying) and happily living a simple life. Of course it doesn't help that all those qualities (being thrifty and practical, etc.) are essentially good and desirable qualities. That just confuses the issue even more.

It's no wonder I have such trouble getting my head round the idea that I might have the freedom to do what I want. I've always secretly believed that doing what I want is self-indulgent, and therefore wrong! Because if who I am is wrong, then what I want automatically becomes wrong too. You get me?

As an example of how pervasive this kind of thinking has been... I feel apologetic for not being an outdoorsy kinda person, for being the kind of person who would rather lounge at home with an entertaining book than go jungle trekking and hiking. Some weird part of my brain tells me I should like outdoor activities, that they are healthy, good exercise, and that wanting to stay at home is lazy and unproductive and BAD. It's like I believe it isn't okay to be the way I am, that I should always somehow be something different or something 'more'.

When I told WinsomeOne, he pointed out:

The problem, ultimately, is not a logical one, but an emotional one. You FEEL that you as a person (a trait, not just a behavior) are wrong, not good enough, bad, whatever. In reality, those nasty self-deprecating messages are like leeches on your heart with electrode-like tentacles reaching into your brain to convince you that they come from your head rather than your heart. Ultimately, it comes down to this: YOU'VE DOWNLOADED A VICIOUS "I HATE ME" BUG INTO YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM.

Anti-virus software, anyone??? If only it could be that simple!