Busy affirming
I was involved in some delicate negotiations recently. And came to the conclusion that I'm totally in the wrong profession. I should've joined the diplomatic service.
This is not the first time, either.
"Why don't you just say 'to heck with the world' and do something to please yourself? I think you've spent so much time pleasing others that you've lost a little bit of yourself somehow," Scorkes diagnosed.
Unfortunately, I hate hurting or disappointing people, so I often end up sacrificing myself. I say "It's okay" when it's not, and "No problem" when it is. I'm afraid to say what I want for fear it might conflict with what somebody else wants. I back down and defer to others' preferences. I agree to do things I don't really want to do.
I'm already slightly better at saying no. But it's more than learning to say no.
The thing is, when there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication, or somebody does something to hurt or upset me or otherwise get on my nerves, I often see the other person's side of the story. It's like when you complain about your mother nagging you but you know that she's only doing it coz she loves you. On one hand, whatever this person is doing to me is annoying, hurtful, upsetting or whatever, but on the other hand, I can see where the person is coming from, so how can I possibly get angry / hurt / upset at him?
In the end, it's as if my feelings aren't legitimate. I can't even fully give rein to my anger or frustration because my brain keeps telling me it's not justified. (And if my brain doesn't, other very helpful people around me will usually chip in on its behalf. "He probably had a bad day..." "She was just trying to help..." "He didn't mean it to come across that way, I'm sure...")
I'm so busy being fair to other people that often I fail to be fair to me. Some time back someone upset me a great deal, but to clear things up between us I had to put aside my hurt and think of her feelings instead; I had to be reconciliatory and assure her that I understood how she felt and that I was sorry I had inadvertently offended her. Never mind that her reaction to the whole thing had hurt me deeply also. Things are back to normal between us now, but I have never told her how grieved I was over the whole incident and she has never asked my forgiveness either.
I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm so tired of doing the right thing. I validated her feelings, but nobody validated mine. And yes, I know that sounds positively whiny. "Nobody cares about meeeeeeeeeeeee..." Heh.
"If you are the kind of person who gives and gives and gives, count your blessings that you don't have a boyfriend," Scorkes said. "Coz in that kind of relationship, if you give all the time, it can destroy you."
Probably one of the many reasons I'm not with anyone yet is because I'm waiting for a guy who will give to me too. Because I'm always putting other people first, I guess I'm hoping that eventually someone will come along who will put me first. Does this sound like wishful thinking?