Hurdle #1
I've been called to sit for the entrance exam to the Education Ministry's teachers' training course. The exam's tomorrow morning.
Blink has been called for it too.
If I get through the exam, there's still the hurdle of the interview. The exam's in Malay and I haven't used my Malay much over the last 11 years, ever since I left high school, so I'm not sure if I will be able to manage. Bob said it'll come back to me, but what I'm concerned about is that I don't think as fast in Malay as I do in English, so not sure if I can complete the paper in time.
I feel kinda numb about the whole thing. I'm not sure whether I want to get into the course or not, so I'm still exactly where I've been since the beginning of the year... in limbo.
Over the past few weeks, I've been told by several people that they don't think teaching in public schools is quite the thing for me. My temperament and skill-set doesn't quite seem to fit that either. Believe me, I have my own doubts, besides bracing myself to start over somewhere new, to face a change of environment & lifestyle and accept the possibility of getting posted to a school anywhere in Malaysia (read: including somewhere remote with no Internet access *sobs*).
Half of me is like, "Nooooooooo!" and the other half is going, "Okay, this is NOT what I want, God, yet not my will but Yours be done... so if You really, really, really, really, really want me to go, I'll go lah! -- BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME STRENGTH, okay, coz I'm not at all sure I can do this!!!"
A friend asked me why put myself through this if it's something I don't really want. Because I've been thinking about teaching in high school for the past three years, it won't go away, and I'm not sure whether it's just me or is it something God has planted in my heart or what! I'm finally making myself face it and go through this application process for the teachers' training course, so that I can stop wondering once and for all. If the door opens and I get into the course, I'll go. If the door remains closed and I don't get into the course... at least I can start thinking of other options & other things to do.
It has taken me three years to get to this point -- the point where, if that's what God wants of me, I'm willing to grit my teeth and give up what I want and go, even though I'm scared stiff, even though I might feel like my heart's being ripped out of my body (so drama!). Before this, I was too busy trying to avoid the need to sacrifice or to give up my comfortable lifestyle to even contemplate saying 'yes' to God (assuming this is something He wants me to say 'yes' to). Suddenly all those prayers I prayed and all those songs I sang during my teen years are coming back to haunt me.
- Shepherd of my soul, I give You full control
Wherever You may lead I will follow
I have made the choice to listen for Your voice
Wherever You may lead, I will go