Been too much talk
I discovered yesterday that I am sick of talking about church. Big churches, small churches, impersonal churches, community churches, traditional churches, charismatic churches, blah blah blah blah blah -- I am just sick of it!
What is the point of going over it all over and over again?
I'm fed-up of talking about church because there is nothing new to say -- and worse, nothing constructive to listen to. If I talk with others who are having difficulty with church or have been disillusioned by it, our conversation turns into a mutual griping session. If I talk with those who have found their place in church or are content with the way it is, I get clichés, platitudes, and blank incomprehension as to why this church thing should be so difficult.
Actually, I share the incomprehension, which is another reason I'm sick of talking about church: I have no answers, and that frustrates me.
So last night, when a friend asked me if I had settled this issue yet, and I said no, and he told me, "You'd better do it fast", I said, "Yes" -- coz what else is there to say?
Thoughts about commitment swirl around my brain. That commitment is often a decision of the will, something you stick to whether or not you are in the mood or have the requisite "feelings". On the other hand, there's the other side of wanting to be true to myself and not just go through the motions or do something for the sake of doing it. When it comes to church... I agree that I need to make the choice to be committed to a local church, but I would hope that I would want to be committed to that particular church, as well.
However, these two things (my will and my emotions) are refusing to neatly align themselves alongside of each other, and haven't been doing so for quite awhile now. Sivin, pastor of Bangsar Lutheran Church, recently challenged me to just pick a church -- any church -- and attend service regularly for six consecutive months. Back to the Nike motto, "Just do it" (unsaid: "even if you don't feel like it"). Maybe, once I grit my teeth and use my will to force myself to comply, my unruly feelings will fall into line later. Could it be that simple? And that hard?