Bad witness!
I have never had a problem acknowledging that I am a Christian... except in the workplace.
It's not that I'm ashamed of God; it's more like I'm ashamed of myself.
Somehow saying, "I am a Christian" automatically raises the bar just that bit higher. We are told that others are watching us, and, of course, nobody wants to give people cause to whisper, "Look at the way she acts! And to think she calls herself a Christian!"
While everybody was talking about being a "shining light" in your workplace and making a difference and how you have the opportunity to demonstrate God's love to your colleagues, I was worrying about doing a good job and carrying out my responsibilities well. Coz if I was sloppy in my work, I would be a terrible example of a Christian, wouldn't I? No amount of holy talk helps to mask ineptness and inefficiency. And I'm paid to produce results!
I don't know whether any of you have felt a similar pressure. That if you were to come out and boldly declare that you are a Christian in your workplace, it would mean you have to always deliver excellent work and not slack off. Coz otherwise you'd be bringing shame to the name of God.
In any case, this is how I felt... and I never quite did as well as I thought I could, or should, so as a consequence I always felt ashamed to have my colleagues and superiors know I am a Christian. It was enough to keep me away from the monthly Christian Fellowship gatherings in my previous company, coz I knew many of the top bosses attended those meetings and I had visions of them doing a double take, exclaiming, "What?! You mean to say that girl is a Christian?!?"
I spent the whole four years I worked in that company trying desperately to get my act together so that I could one day proudly stand up and say, "I am a Christian" and dare to share my story openly. But it never happened. Many people knew I was a Christian anyway but I didn't talk about it unless I was specifically asked questions about my faith.
Now I work in a Christian organisation and am the sole employee, so this tension doesn't exist. But if I do enter the teaching profession or go back into the corporate world, this issue is gonna rear its head again. And I still don't know how to deal with it. Why is so much of my life ruled by guilt and the haunting thought that I'm not good enough?