A safe place
Sherman & I are conducting an open correspondence on the topic of "friendship". This is my response to his latest letter.
Dear Sherman,
Ow ow ow! Pain lah! Why you hit me? I so obediently reply your letter and you hit me!! *pouts*
You've really been travelling a lot lately. Man, you weren't kidding when you told me your schedule for May & June was insane! Summore you don't even like travelling. The world is so unfair. Hahahah.
You were talking about trusting God, and trust is always tied to security, isn't it? If I trust someone, I'll naturally feel secure with them.
I was just thinking about this coz I realise that there are very few people whom I feel absolutely safe with. Bob is one of them, and you are another. I don't know what it is about you guys, but somehow I don't fear that you guys will get upset or annoyed with me if I make a mistake or do something wrong. Or rather, I know that if I do happen to let you guys down, you won't hurt me or cut me out of your lives or something. It's very freeing.
Unfortunately I have yet to find this kind of security in my relationship with God. I'm more likely to run away from Him than to run to Him. I notice that my relationship with God is a pretty dysfunctional one; I am always running away, then reaching the end of my rope and running back. I have no idea what a 'normal' relationship with Him is supposed to look like. That's why I've been on a quest to learn how to relate to God as Friend and Father. (Somehow I have fewer problems relating to Him as Saviour & Lord.)
In 'real life', there are three categories of people whom I generally try to avoid: 1) those who aggravate & annoy me beyond reason, 2) those who make me feel insecure or small, and 3) those who drain me emotionally. But God obviously doesn't fit into any of these categories. So I can't explain my response to Him. Why am I always so afraid & wary?
The funny thing is that I do know Him as The Friend. But only in my head. I have all the theory and the Bible verses, all the theology and doctrine. But the heart is a very wayward organ. And trust must come from the heart.
It is a dilemma I have not yet figured out how to solve. Hence I often pray that God will help me to know Him as He really is, and not how I think He is -- that He will help me to see Him clearly, instead of through the filters and misconceptions and wrong perceptions that my heart has formed of Him.
Still learning,
Sunflower