Dealing with guilt
Book sales always take place at the most inconvenient times. MPH had its stock clearance sale last weekend, and the Times warehouse sale will end tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm not exactly rolling in dough since I only began work last month -- worked two out of four weeks -- so I refused to go anywhere near either of those two places. Resolutely pretended they didn't exist. Ignored any and all references to book sales mentioned on other blogs. Ran screaming into the night whenever a real live person mentioned the sales in conversation.
But then Yee Pei and CHiQ dragged me to the Times warehouse sale yesterday. Yes, I'm totally going to blame them for this. I can hardly even say no to MYSELF, how effective do you think I am at saying no to other people?!?
I set myself a limit of fifty bucks but in the end -- after eliminating various selections through some judicious re-evaluating and a bit of stern self-talk -- walked out with books worth seventy. My only consolation is that I managed to restrain myself from buying any romance fiction. Spent an inordinate amount of time in the romance section as usual, though. *sigh*
I KNEW I shouldn't have gone. 
Never mind, I've got the two gals to blame it on. 
Sometimes I'm afraid I'm losing all sense of perspective. I find myself feeling guilty and I don't know whether it's legitimate guilt.
This usually happens when I spend money. Like when I was at the book sale, I could hear Mom's voice in my head: "You won't die if you don't have those books." Yeah I know I won't die. But I still want them. Is that wrong? 
See? That's the problem. Since Mom & Dad are always going on & on about my spending, I've lost all sense of objectivity when it comes to this particular subject. I have lots of shoes and don't need more shoes. I have lots of books and don't need more books. I have lots of earrings and don't need more earrings. You see where this is heading?!
I've always been taught that if I don't need something, I shouldn't buy it. Otherwise that would be 'wasting money' and being imprudent. For years, I went the other way -- if I wanted something, I'd buy it. I didn't care very much whether I needed it or not (coz there are actually quite a lot of things you don't really need, and like I said earlier, I hate saying no, even to myself. Yes, I think I need therapy).
Now I'm trying to find the middle ground. My problem is: if, let's say, I haven't bought a single book in three months, but I already have 300 books and have yet to read 80% of them, is it excusable to buy five more? To use another example: if, let's say, I haven't bought a pair of shoes in six months, but I already have 20 pairs of shoes, is it excusable to buy one more?
If I buy the thing, I immediately hear a voice in my head saying, "You already have so many shoes. What do you need another pair for?". Then I feel guilty for wasting money and not spending it wisely. What follows is, I feel that I've failed God coz I've been a bad steward of the money He's given me (in principle, as a Christian, the money I have is not all mine to spend as I like).
And I don't even know if I'm right to feel/think this way. Like I said, I've lost all sense of objectivity when it comes to this issue. Blink keeps saying that God is not angry with me, but I do continually feel that I've disappointed Him (God, not Blink). Sometimes I think, God can't be that hung up on whether I buy another book or pair of shoes or earrings or whatever. Other times I think, God DID bless a lot of the people in the Bible with great abundance, never mind whether they needed all that stuff or not. And yet other times I think, What do YOU know? Maybe you're just trying to rationalise & justify your actions.
Arrrgggh. I don't know anything anymore.