The Wilful Sunflower

I hate getting emotional in public (except when I'm in church and somebody is praying for me -- then it's okay to start blubbering). But sometimes these things creep up on me and I don't see them coming until it's too late for me to do anything about them. Oh well... can't be helped.

Yesterday was one such incident. I was in a seminar -- actually a training session for young leaders. It was slightly informal, especially since we had a small group, less than 20 people.

During discussion time, I spoke up. Coz we'd been talking about the definition of "success" and how we serve & glorify God through our work. The speaker had said that, if, let's say you're a gynaecologist, you be the best gynaecologist there is. Doesn't matter if you're not the head of the O&G dept in the hospital; when something goes wrong, if there's a tough case, people will say, "Call so-and-so" coz they know you're the only one who can handle it.

I told the group how I always feel that I'm not doing enough. I mean, you always know yourself, right, and I know when I'm being lazy, when I'm procrastinating, mismanaging my time, rushing my work so I can say I've finished the job by the deadline. I've also said before that my work ethic could do with some improvement.

And so I always feel like I'm failing God. We know that we're supposed to do a good job at work, that, as Christians, we're supposed to be working for God, and not for men... that is to say, it doesn't matter who your boss is or what he's like, coz ultimately God sees everything you do, therefore you do your job to the best of your ability coz He's watching and you want to please Him. But I've always felt that I'm a terrible example of a Christian in my workplace coz I'm failing God all the time. It's something that continually haunts me.

I felt myself start to tear up as I was talking. I was shocked. Then again, this IS an issue that has brought me great pain. I've struggled a lot with it. At one point, someone in my previous office told me, to my face, "You're giving Christians in this office a bad reputation. I'm a Christian too. I know which church you go to..." Part of me felt indignant that this lady, who hardly knew me, would presume to speak to me in such a manner and judge me; but the other part of me grieved because I silently agreed with her cricitism of me. It was nothing I hadn't already said to myself.

And then the speaker said that for those of us who struggle with this issue, it could be rooted in our childhood and the type of fathers we have. He admitted that it was true in his own life, at least -- that he had grown up with a demanding, perfectionist father and had always felt very driven to perform, to please his father, to win his father's approval.

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. Nobody seemed to notice, coz I didn't break down and start sobbing or anything. But I knew what he was talking about. I knew it, and had thought I was over it, but apparently I'm not. How positively aggravating!