Monday blues
My day started out quite badly. I woke up still tired, and for some reason feeling unhappy. It's been one of those days then life just feels too overwhelming.
On my way to work, I told God I feel like I pray the same prayers every day but still go on to make the same mistakes and wrong decisions day after day, and nothing changes. I get tired of the sameness. I get discouraged. I've failed God so much and continue to fail Him. I try, but still, nothing changes. I'm feeling so tired. So, so tired...
And sometimes I feel like I have no real direction. Other people have mapped out the next five years of their lives. They know where they're headed and where they'd like to be going. Me, I have no idea. I'm kinda like just drifting along.
When I joined The Star as a journalist, I gave myself three years there. I thought three years would be sufficient for me to discover whether it was something I really enjoyed doing and would like to do for the rest of my life. I ended up staying for four years.
As I looked around for something else to do, this assistant editor job came along. I took it mostly coz it's in the same industry, in a related field. I wanted a change, but I didn't want to move too far away from the publishing/communications/media industry. Again, I give myself a couple of years, then I'll re-evaluate and decide 'what next'.
Career is not terribly important to me coz I place more importance on doing something I enjoy than earning pots of money and rising up in the ranks. Still, it's kinda depressing at times to not be able to see the big picture or know what I really want to do with my life. Sometimes I think I might have caught a glimpse, but then I don't know how to get there.
In the Bible, there's a verse that goes, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 199:105). I remember hearing a pastor explain once that the lamp illuminates the path far enough for only the next one or two steps. That we're to follow God step by step, walking with Him in the now. God rarely reveals His long-term plans, and even when He does, He usually withholds the question of 'how'.
But it's frustrating, isn't it, not being in control. When I was in school, I knew I'd be done with school when I was 18. When I was in university, I knew I'd graduate within three years (assuming I didn't flunk anything). But now that I'm working, my life just stretches out before me and I no longer have any sort of frame of reference. I don't know how long I'll be in this job, and since I can't really see myself doing this forever, I don't know what other job I'd possibly do next. I don't know whether I'll ever be married, let alone when that might happen if I were to do so. I don't know whether I'll ever really achieve anything of lasting value with my life, or do anything worthwhile. I just don't know.
On days like this, my life feels mediocre and I end up just going through the motions. In general, I have a very full life, balanced out between work, friends & loved ones, God (ie. spiritual/religious stuff), hobbies, time for myself, etc. And I'm quite happy with my life. I like my life. But occasionally I still feel like maybe there should be something more. What that 'something' is, I have no idea.