The Wilful Sunflower

At the camp, each group was given a topic to discuss, and was required to write out their points on a large sheet of paper. Guess what topic my group got?

Sex.

That's right... S-E-X. I was like, . We had to get the very issue I've struggled with and written so much about, didn't we?

These were the questions:

1. What are the temptations men/women face?


2. What does God think about the issue of lust?


3. How to put lust under control?

My group split the girls and guys up to discuss this one, and this is what we girls came up with...

In terms of sexual temptation, I've written before that romance novels can be a snare, especially those with more graphic sexual scenes. It's porn. Oh, it may be in words rather than in visual form, but it's porn, nonetheless.

Imagination & fantasies are another insidious thing. They may not even start out as sexual fantasies, coz for us women, sex is closely intertwined with the concept of intimacy. Another group with the same discussion topic noted that some women give sex to buy love, or agree to sex because they believe this will deepen the sense of connection & intimacy in the relationship.

The need for intimacy & connection is a deep-rooted one in most (if not all) women. This explains why we're suckers for sweet-talking charmers. If a guy is solicitous of our well-being, notices little details about us & proceeds to pay us compliments, or seems especially caring & kind... we melt inside. It meets a deep emotional need.

Sometimes when I hear friends talking about their boyfriends or see them holding hands and stuff, I feel a longing to experience the same thing. Not with any Tom, Dick or Harry, though. With the right guy!

So a touch need not even be sexual in order to be a "temptation". Just a hand placed around a shoulder can make a woman feel warm, secure and cared for. Once a woman feels this, she is vulnerable -- remember the whole sex and intimacy thing...

Therefore, when it comes to "putting lust under control", one of the major, major things is to find one's identity and security in Christ. I learnt this at the women's conference in March: if a woman goes looking for a relationship with a man to affirm her and assure her of her self-worth, she will end up disappointed, and often will begin using sex to fill the void.

That's why some women are manipulative -- it gives them a feeling of power; some flirt -- it makes them feel attractive; some use their charms to get men to help them out or do what they want -- it makes them feel special; some sleep around -- pursuing personal pleasure because it helps them to forget the void (temporarily); etc. The conference speaker said that when a woman doesn't feel good about herself, she misuses sex and her sexuality in an attempt to fill that emotional void.

When I heard that, I understood why I've had such problems in this area. Like, yeah, I don't sleep around, and don't flirt, and don't manipulate guys into doing stuff for me, but I do still have a problem. I'd never understood why this thing was so hard for me to beat, and now, finally, I did: coz I was misusing my sexuality in order to fill an emotional void. I realised I had to deal with the root cause and that's when I decided to go for counselling. (Didn't work out too well, unfortunately.)

Back to the topic: other ways of "controlling lust", as suggested by my group, were that, firstly, you gotta admit you have a problem; then identify when & where you are most vulnerable -- or in what kinds of situations you are most vulnerable -- and set out a plan of action to counter that vulnerability. This is something I learnt in Bruce Wilkinson's Personal Holiness in Times of Temptation seminar years ago.

Plus, find an accountability partner or two; I can tell you, from personal experience, that it REALLY HELPS.

At the same time, my group said to continue to work at your relationship with God, coz self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit, which will be developed in you as you walk with God. And knowing your Bible helps, coz remember how Jesus, when He was tempted, rebutted Satan with Scripture...

They also said you need to know the consequences of sin (acts as a deterrent), and the other group said if you know the plans & purposes God has for your life, you will be less inclined to sin also coz you'll know you're jeopardising the future God has in store for you.

Realise that the pleasure (of casual sex or masturbation) is temporary and not truly satisfying. Indeed, after it comes the guilt and the feelings of unworthiness. Is it worth it? -- Actually, I always knew it wasn't worth it, but admittedly, that didn't quite help to stop me from sinning

So after we came up with all this during the discussion, each group was asked to present their findings. Guess who got nominated to present the girls' view? Yup. Yours truly. I tell you, God really does have a sense of humour!