The Wilful Sunflower

I am struggling with my faith. Not the believing side of it, but the practical implications of it. The doing side of it. How it is supposed to work. What all that believing is supposed to mean. Whether I can live with what I think God wants of me. Whether I can live with not giving in to what I think He wants of me.

Faith is a very complex matter. I've never had trouble believing. I know some people can't get past the belief thing. They doubt the authenticity and reliability of the Bible. They have serious questions about the character of God. They want to know how scientific deductions could possibly mesh with biblical claims. And so on so forth. But somehow I've never wavered in my belief that this is Truth. Don't ask me why. I don't know.

Yet if you ask me how that faith manifests in my existence, my day-to-day activities, I'm not sure that I could tell you. I've long believed that God cares about every area of my life, yet what does that mean, in practical terms? When my car breaks down, is He there to assist me? Yes, I know some people would say He sends others to help, but have you ever stood by the roadside and waited alone for 45mins for the AAM mechanic to show up?

When my car registration card went missing, did He help me to find it? Okay, I don't expect Him to plonk it in front of me like some magician, but at least friends could offer to help me search. It seems to me like God sat there and did nothing! Even though I prayed to ask Him to help me find it!

Okay, it's not supposed to be all about me. There's more. We all like to say, "God understands", but just how much does He understand? It appears from the Bible that though He may "understand", He's a hard-liner who tolerates no excuses and couldn't care less about any so-called extenuating circumstances. We're talking about the God who says that if you have broken one law, you've broken the WHOLE law (James 2:10). I always have the feeling that, whether or not He "understands", He's still not very happy with me for doing whatever I'm doing.

It seems to me that if I cannot (will not?) do what God wants, then it's as good as living without Him in my life. Yet because I believe that this God -- these teachings -- are the Truth, I cannot let Him -- them -- go. But how can one believe and then not live according to the precepts or tenets of one's faith? If you believe that a certain act is wrong, and yet go ahead and do it anyway, how can you reconcile that? Can you continue living with yourself? Can you continue to say that you really believe?

These are the questions that haunt me day and night.