The Wilful Sunflower

It's terrible how guilt can so easily creep in and poison one's life. I realised this afternoon that I feel guilty just buying a pair of earrings, even if they cost a mere RM5, because I already have so many earrings and this seems like a needless extravagance & bad handling of money. The same goes with shoes and books, especially "frivolous" books like fiction and romance novels. Good grief.

I always imagine God saying, "Look at you wasting your money, buying all these things! What do you need another pair of earrings for? Why are you accumulating more books when you haven't even read two-thirds of those you own? And it's not even YOUR money, it's MY money! Because I'm the one who gave it to you in the first place!"

A friend commented that this has the uncanny ring of something that Dad would say, and he was right. Well, I was always taught that the money I have is not supposed to be my money, but God's, and therefore I'm to use it prudently. The way Mom & Dad have reacted to my spending habits served to underline the fact that I'm not in the least prudent or wise when it comes to handling money. Ergo, God must not be pleased.

It is stuff like this that ties me in knots. I know the general principle, but how does that principle apply to this specific situation? On one hand, surely God is not so petty as to begrudge me a five-dollar pair of earrings. On the other hand, I feel guilty about spending the money to indulge myself, because that doesn't seem to fall under the heading of "good stewardship". But, since I want it, I typically buy it anyway, and say my 'sorry's afterward.

I really do not know what God is thinking, sometimes. What does He want of me? Do you know how terrible it is to live under a cloud of guilt and fear all the time? When even something simple like buying a pair of earrings makes me feel guilty, can you imagine how it is to wrestle with ACTUAL sins that, no matter how I try, I cannot overcome? I'm tired of living like this.