The Wilful Sunflower

I can't write anything at the moment, except this; and just so you know, I might not write anything else here for awhile:

There is something in my life which is not good for me but which I do not want to let go of. I'm at the point where I can no longer even say that I'm struggling with it, because I'm not. I'm just falling headlong into it and I don't care. I know that sounds terrible, but I just don't care. I don't want to stop. I don't even want to TRY to stop.

I'm so tired of all the fighting. It's like I'm constantly fighting with myself. The minute I stop fighting, I start going downhill. I'm tired of trying to be vigilant every single waking moment.

So it's like, I'm not living according to the way God wants me to live, and I don't even want to. Why even call myself a Christian? Why not just leave the faith entirely? Yet I can't, because I really do believe. But what's the point of simply believing if I don't live it out?

I'm not praying. I don't WANT to pray. I haven't been reading my Bible. I've missed church for the past four weeks because of my work (and the fifth week, I forgot I had church. My housemate Sock Hui, the only non-Christian in the house, said, "Sunflower, you didn't go to church?" and only then did I remember it was Saturday night and I have church service on Saturday nights!). I know my heart is getting hard... I fear that it's a matter of time before I turn away entirely.

I don't know what to do. I don't actually want to do anything. But I know I should. I don't even feel guilty anymore. I feel a bit worried that I don't feel guilty. But the other part of me is relieved, because then I don't have to constantly live under that crushing burden of fear and insecurity and striving. I almost don't care what God thinks anymore because I believe He's always upset with me anyway since I'm constantly messing up and I'll never be able to measure up or be what/who He wants me to be. I'd just rather not think about it -- or Him -- at all.

I suppose the answer has to come from within me, but I just don't care anymore. The only thing is, I don't know whether I can live with myself if I call myself a Christian but live a nominal Christian life -- just believing and mostly trying to live "a good life" but still doing my own thing and not in relationship with God. What would be the point?