A fighting chance
Okay, okay. I am not by any means ready to give up my faith yet. I think I spooked some people by saying "I'm tired of living like this", but I only meant I'm fed-up with living under a cloud of guilt.
Like I told a fellow blogger: It's good that I realise I feel guilty all the time, coz that means God will hopefully help me see what's been going on and help to change the wrong perceptions I have of Him. Coz you know, before this I would never have admitted it was wrong to feel guilty. I would have said it's only right for me to feel guilty since I'm being so spendthrift or whatever. But now I'm questioning ideas & perceptions that I've taken for granted, and hopefully that will enable me to see God as He really is instead of seeing Him through the filter of my dad.
At the moment I'm questioning a lot of the things I've accepted as fact, things I believed were normal or okay or even expected of me as a Christian. It's a scary process, uprooting some of the fundamental stuff that's been ingrained over the years. It's a process that started when I began going for counselling earlier this year. It's an unsettling process, but I believe it's necessary.
I told my housemate Sock Hui that I'll either come out of this with a stronger faith, or with nothing. I'm glad my sense of humour is still intact -- I think that means I've got a fighting chance of making it out of this in one piece!