'Surrender' was a bad word
After the fifth session with my counsellor on Sunday morning, she sent me back with some "homework", which involved reading the Bible every day and trying to listen for whatever God wanted to say to me through the text. And I was supposed to call her today to update her on my progress.
Guess what? From Sunday till now, I haven't touched my Bible at all. Oops.
I was almost going to take the coward's way out and not call my counsellor. After all, what was there to say except, "I did nothing"? That's like saying "I failed". I hate failing. Even more, I hate having to admit to others about failing. Let's just keep it between me and me; nobody else has to know!
But I had said I would call, and I was supposed to call, so I made myself call. I left it till the last minute -- I was supposed to call her at the church office, and I called at 5:15pm. For all I knew, the church office might close at 5pm and I might have missed her. Well, it doesn't and I didn't. Bummer.
This reading the Bible thing... it's not like I don't want to, but I just don't do it. I say I want to build a closer relationship with God, but I keep feeling like maybe I don't want it badly enough, otherwise I'd be DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, wouldn't I? Wouldn't I?!?!?
So there I was talking about all this with my counsellor over the phone, and she asked me, "What do you really want?" I said, if I'm thinking rationally, I do really want to know God, but at other times, like when I'm in the middle of a particular situation, I want to do my own thing. In fact, most of the time I live my life doing whatever I want. I spend on whatever I want. I read whatever I want. I go wherever I want. I... well, you get the idea.
This is especially evident in my spending habits. Coz you know, I indulge myself all the time and if I see something I want, I just buy it without even stopping to think twice. If you talk about God being Lord of my life, I have a loooooooong way to go yet. Certainly I haven't made Him Lord of my finances. *wince*
And suddenly in the middle of the conversation with my counsellor, I realised I have another negative judgement that I have not yet repented of, namely the one that goes, "All authority figures want to control my life or boss me around," and the unspoken vow I made in response, years ago, was to never again allow anybody to dictate what I do, how I do it, or when I do it. Coz I always felt like Mom and Dad were trying run my life; I was overjoyed when I got to leave home at 18 to further my studies. Imagine, wonderful freedom! (Now you know why I love living away from home so much.)
Finally, finally, I understand why surrendering to God has always been such a struggle and an ongoing issue for me. It's because I promised myself I would never give up control of my life to anyone else. I'm pretty fanatical about wanting to do my own thing -- that's one reason I balk at following the crowd; I don't even want to let popular opinion or peer pressure dictate to me.
Okay, more things to work on now... do you ever feel like the list is never-ending?!