One day up, next day down
That is so me.
I walked into a Christian bookshop last week not knowing they were having a sale, and came out $460 poorer. Of course, I could console myself by saying that I bought Bible commentaries -- always a good thing -- but still, exactly like Lila in the comic above, I knew I shouldn't have spent that much.
I'm actually quite stressed about money. I've worked 3½ years but still have no savings and live from paycheque to paycheque. I know a lot of people do this, so I'm not alone, but somehow it seems to assume almost criminal proportions in my mind when applied to myself. Where did all the money go? How can I not have saved any of it? What happens if there's an emergency? And, most damning, what would Dad say if he knew???
Some days, like today, I allow things to get to me and I just feel like I'm drowning in a tide of ineptness, inadequacy, or failure. Although I got my room spruced up, and I'm pleased about that, I feel like everything's okay on the outside but not okay on the inside. Inside I feel so messed up, and it's like I just can't get on top of things, I can't get my life together.
It's a combination of a lot of factors. There's the money thing, and there's the messiness thing... I've never been the neatest of persons, and I have this extremely high tolerance for mess -- I do have my limits but let's just say that things have to be VERY VERY BAD before I reach my limit. So I look around me and I feel like this dysfunctional creature. How can I get married? I can't even keep my room in order. Sure in this day and age we could get a maid or someone to help out with the cleaning, but I really feel like there's something wrong with me that I can't even keep my room reasonably tidy. I'm not talking about spotless, mind you, but just to have a semblance of order.
And then responsibilities. I used to pride myself on being a person of my word, and these days I break my promises so much that every single one I don't fulfil haunts me. I don't deliver stuff on time, I procrastinate, and everything is backlogged from God-knows-when... I feel overwhelmed, buried under mounds and piles of things I ought to have done but haven't even touched; I don't know where to start, and in the meanwhile even more things start piling up and I feel so pressured, like there's just too much for me to deal with.
I keep on feeling like an ordinary, decent, responsible person would be able to set aside a sum of money each month for her savings... she would be prudent in her spending... she would not need to always worry that the money is going to run out by the end of the month... she would be able to keep her space neat and presentable... she would get to places on time instead of always being late for everything... she would be able to deliver as promised when deadlines pops up... she would be able to juggle her various tasks and duties without any difficulty... she would be effcient and organised. The only thing I like about myself is that I try to make myself available so I'm usually there for people when they need me.
You can tell that I'm having a really, really bad day, can't you? It's one of those days when I feel that my life is on the verge of coming apart at the seams and I will never be able to be the person I ought to be.