If I could be...
I don't really like to think of "what ifs" because I feel that's a futile exercise. Like, what's done is done and nasi sudah menjadi bubur, y'know? (A Malay saying -- literally translated: "the rice has turned into porridge" -- meaning nothing can be done to change the situation)
But sometimes it's fun to just let my imagination run wild. So...
If I could be a commedienne, I would of course think I was very funny, but I would probably only be funny in my head, because things always sound funnier in my head than when I write them down or say them out. And I would have a very hard time trying not to laugh at my own jokes, and most of the time you wouldn't be able to understand my jokes anyway coz I'd be laughing too hard half-way through for you to be able to make head or tail of what I'm saying. But I wouldn't care coz I'd know I was funny, and you would end up laughing too because I was laughing (I'm told my laugh has that effect on people).
If I could be a linguist, I would seriously be a very confused person, much more confused than I already am now. Because here I am with only the most basic grasp of Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese (all three being Chinese dialects), and when I want to say something in one dialect, I can think of the word in all the other dialects except the one I want. How frustrating is that? It would be really hard to keep the various languages sorted out in my head, not to mention differing sentence structures and stuff. I imagine I would end up stammering badly and talking with my hands more than ever, and I would never be able to impress anyone that way, and I might actually swing my hand too far and whack somebody in the face, and get sued for assault.
If I could be a librarian, I would be sorting books the whole day long coz people putting books haphazardly on shelves and ignoring the Dewey Decimal System would drive me crazy. You need to know that when I'm in a bookshop and I see two books by the same author with the same title on different shelves, I always move one and put them together. I'm anal like that. So if I could be a librarian, although I would of course want to read every single book in the entire library, I wouldn't have time to coz I'd be too busy arranging the books all the time, and my work would never be done, and I'd end up becoming a sort of fixture in the library stacks, the one people would talk about in whispers: an old spinster, slightly stooped, with white hair in a bun on the top of my head, glasses almost tumbling off my nose, and wiry, wrinkled hands, perpetually saying, "Tsk, tsk, tsk!" every time I saw a book out of place on the shelves.
If I could be a psychologist, I would analyse everything and everybody to death. Wait, I'm already doing that. No, but I'd be worse, because I would be able to quote long names and use big words, and nobody would be able to understand me, but they would pretend to, because I'm supposed to be the expert and know what I'm talking about. So I would be able to fool everybody, but I would be frustrated because I'd know that nobody knew what I was talking about, and I'd try to analyse THAT, too, and then I'd analyse the fact that I analysed that, and I'd analyse the fact that I analysed the fact that I analaysed that, and I would for sure end up institutionalised, where I would go on analysing anything and everything for all the rest of my days in blissful ignorance of the world 'out there'.
If I could be an artist, I wouldn't be able to decide whether I wanted to paint abstract art or representational art. Part of me would want to just splash bright, eye-catching colours onto a canvas, and the other part of me would want to painstakingly create a beautiful picture of something recognisable. I would probably paint sunsets, ballet dancers, fields of daisies, laughing children, and portraits of gorgeous ladies in beautiful ball gowns, and basically I would bore even myself, but I wouldn't dare to break out and colour outside the lines, so to speak. I would be stuck painting pretty pictures instead of creating brilliant, bold, striking art with personality, and my talent would waste away and future generations would never know who Sunflower was. (sniff sniff)
If I could be a secret agent I'd want to wear a trench coat with the collar turned up and a fedora pulled low over my face, and pull on leather gloves and carry a briefcase. I'd slip round corners of buildings and peek out from behind pillars and whisper hoarsely at my informant, who would be trying to look innocent and unobtrusive, and would have to speak to me out of the corner of his mouth. This tells you that I would be the most conspicuous and probably the most ineffective secret agent ever, barring of course those you see on TV and in movies & cartoons. I would also for some reason always hear the Pink Panther theme in the background, or in my head, as the case may be.
This was inspired by a new meme started by Ogre (what a name!!). It's been doing the rounds of blogs everywhere. Katy tagged me. Now I'm supposed to pick three people who will choose five occupations from the list below and complete the sentence for each occupation they choose. I'm going to tag Eyeris, because he's always funny and I just know his list is going to be hilarious, Kevin, because he's been thinking about occupations quite a bit over the past few months 
, and Mark, coz he's a new friend and I'm interested to see what he'll do with it. Go to it, guys! Choose any five from the list below:
If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a service member
If I could be a photographer
If I could be a philanthropist
If I could be a rap artist
If I could be a child actor
If I could be a secret agent
If I could be a comedian/comedienne
If I could be a priest...
If I could be a radio announcer...
If I could be a phlebotomist...
If I could be Paris Hilton's stylist...
If I could be a movie producer...
If I could be the CEO of Microsoft...
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure
If I could be a dog trainer
If you need more inspiration, here is Curt's, Anna's, Violet's, Jody's, and Moehawk's.
UPDATE: I just realised I did six instead of five. On top of everything else, I can't count, so it's just as well I didn't choose to make a career in mathematics or accountancy!