Living in fear
I was re-reading Isaiah 54:10 last night because somebody mentioned it to me. Somebody who had no idea what that verse even said. She'd had to look it up in her Bible, then frowned at it puzzledly, and finally said, "I don't know whether this will mean anything to you, but here goes..."
"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor My covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
-- Isaiah 54:10
This verse is precious to me coz I came upon it when I was 15 (it was sort of "given" to me then also) as I was struggling with my parents and wondering whether they loved me. At the time, I felt God assuring me that He, at least, loved me with a never-ending love and accepted me just as I am.
I read it again last night, a few times, not expecting anything much. I already knew the verse and already knew that God loves me -- intellectually, at least. Nothing new and nothing that anyone hasn't said before. Then somehow those words came alive to me in a new way. It was like God was saying, "NOTHING can make me stop loving you; I will keep on loving you no matter what," and I burst into tears.
I hadn't realised how much I'd feared He couldn't love me anymore because I'm so mired in sin, still struggling with it, not even wanting very much to give it up although I know I should. It is quite terrible to know that I should be sorry for what I'm doing, and yet I'm not sorry... I'm only sorry because I know He knows what I'm up to and because I know I shouldn't be doing it.
Inside myself I've unconsciously been picturing God saying impatiently, "Can't you even do this? It isn't that hard! What's taking you so long?" as I've struggled and struggled and tried so hard over the years. Months ago I stopped trying to fight and just allowed myself to compromise, to go ahead and do whatever without feeling guilty about it, because it just seemed so impossible to win. But when you compromise, you know inside yourself exactly what you are doing, and believe me, it doesn't sit well with your conscience.
Knowing that sin in my life creates a barrier between me and God -- because He's utterly holy and hates sin -- I've always been terrified that my continual sin will drive Him away... after all, I know what I'm doing and each time I do it, I know that I've made the choice to sin. I've always felt like it would be just a matter of time before He gave up on me, and what would I do then?
I know I sound like a neurotic Christian -- and not biblically-grounded... after all, isn't there the story of the loving father? About the son who demanded his share of the inheritance from his dad (because he couldn't wait for his dad to die first), went out and squandered all the money, ended up having to take care of pigs in order to survive, then decided to come back, beg forgiveness, and ask to be a servant in his father's household? And the father who was worried about this good-for-nothing son, hoping & praying he'd come home one day, and when he saw the son walking down the road to the house, ran to embrace him and began celebrating the dissolute fella's return? But do you know what? If I had been that son, I would never have gone home, no matter how teruk (terrible) my circumstances. I wouldn't have dared. I'd have starved to death first. Seriously. I'd never have even considered that my father would take me into his house again, whether as a daughter or as a servant. He'd be more likely to tear me to shreds with hurtful words, and throw me out on my ear. I would have either managed on my own or died trying.
How hard it is to believe that God is different from my fears and imaginations. There are things you know, and there are things you know. Or rather, in my case there are things I know, yet unfortunately still don't know. It's very hard for me to trust in God's love. But last night He seemed to say, "All these so-called terrible things you have done, the depravity and the depths of darkness to which you think you have plunged, cannot make Me stop loving you," and that helped.