Spoilt brat
I was sitting in church two weeks ago (yes, this post is delayed) and for some reason was very disturbed and unable to worship. So when everybody was singing I was sitting down having this heavy lump in my heart. It is pretty exasperating to have a heavy lump in your heart and not know why it's there.
Anyway, I got to thinking about relationships... no, no, I'm not going to post about luuuurve again lah. Don't worry :P -- now, where was I? Oh yeah, relationships. We all know that as a general rule you need to work at your relationships if you want them to succeed. It came to me that I actually put more effort into my relationships with people (Mom & Dad, friends, etc.) than I do into my relationship with God.
Coz you see, you can drift apart and lose touch with people. On the other hand, God is just always going to be there. Maybe unconsciously I thought that at least here's one relationship where I can just sit down and relax and let somebody else do the work. Maybe without realising it I thought it was going to happen naturally because God loves me, will always love me and nothing can stop Him loving me. You know, like you let it all hang out coz He's gonna love you anyway. Since you can't possibly lose His love, there's no need to try to keep it.
I was jolted. I know that, as someone who grew up going to church and Sunday School, I often take God for granted. After all, He's always been there, an ever-present figure in my life. But I never realised I took Him for granted THAT much.
For example, contrast the way I act toward Dad with the way I act toward God. Granted, Dad's a bit difficult, so ever since I left home, I've been trying to connect with him, build bridges towards him, show that I appreciate him, help him feel loved, wanted & needed. But with God... if I want to talk to Him, I do, otherwise I don't; if I want to read the Bible, I do, otherwise I don't; and for a while there, if I wanted to go to church, I would, otherwise I wouldn't. With God, it has been all about me and what I want, whereas in all my other relationships, I've always tried to listen and respond to what THEY needed and what THEY wanted.
I feel like the spoilt brat that Janelle once accused me of being!