Time to run back
At my church's cell group meeting last night, my group leader pointed me to Psalm 27. It is extremely appropriate for the place I am in now and the stuff that is happening in my life this week.
Later last night I was reading a book when tears began slipping down my cheeks coz it was a story about a woman who felt alone and abandoned, struggling to survive in a world that had been turned upside down by unforseen circumstances. Sometimes I feel that way, especially when Mom & Dad don't respond to me very positively. It's like I just want someone to hug me and tell me things will be all right... I'm so tired of having to handle everything myself and act strong.
Somehow, although I have lots of encouraging friends -- and even supportive bosses at work -- the lack of any good words from my parents overshadows everything and makes the sky go dark for me. I shouldn't let it affect me this much, especially when I know that they DO love me and they DO care... but what can I say? I wish they would try to do something about their communication skills ;)
I know I should hold on to God instead. Lately I haven't been doing too good a job of that. I'm still sort of in running away mode, although I'm trying to run a bit slower than usual. That'll give me less distance to cover when I finally decide I have to come running back!
Well, with Psalm 27 reverberating in my head, I guess I know that the time to run back has come. I've known it for ages now; I just haven't done anything about it. Haven't been nurturing my relationship with God. I tell myself I will read the Bible, but I don't, and I tell myself I will pray, but I don't... yes, terrible, isn't it? I don't know how it is that I can want to do something at the same time that I don't really want to do it. Usually the easier option wins out, too.
Ah well, self-discipline's never a walk in the park, right? *rueful smile*