So that's why
Messy Christian and I were talking yesterday about attending church (yes, AGAIN). Eventually she invited me to write out what I'd said on her blog, and I did.
Later at night, I met up with Bob for dinner. Bob is sort of like my conscience and my voice of reason rolled into one, and he never lets me get away with anything. I was trying to psychoanaylse myself as usual, but he cut through all the crap and said, "You don't go to church because you just don't think it's important."
I spluttered with indignation. "I do think it's important! Otherwise why would I be so conflicted about all of this!" I insisted.
"If you've got an 8am flight you don't have any problems waking up at 5:30am to take the 45-minute trip to the airport and check in two hours ahead of departure, do you? So if you can wake up to make it for a flight, but you can't wake up to go to church, it shows that church is just less important in your scheme of things," Bob said.
It is? Have I changed that much??
"You just don't want to go to church, that's why you're not making the effort," Bob continued.
Arrrrrgh, he's right. I don't want to go to church. But I've never dared admit it, even to myself, coz such an idea is unacceptable. It's almost like blasphemy! (Okay, okay, being over-dramatic here... but you get my point.) I can just hear Mom's voice in my head now: How can you not want to go to church to worship God??!?!!?
So on one hand I no longer want to go to church, but on the other hand I still believe that attending church service regularly is good and necessary. It's a war against myself. I try to force myself to go coz my head says that's what I should be doing, but my heart is screaming, "I doan wan!"* like a spoilt 4-year-old kid. If I give in to my heart, I feel guilty. If I give in to my head, I sit inside the service and my heart remains uncooperative. Gaaah. I can't win.
Then today I read Coolcatalyst, who wrote:
I guess that's why it's important for Christians to go regularly to church. It's like a spiritual thermometer. When you go to a gathering in the house of God and are left virtually untouched or unchanged, you can bet that something is not right with you spiritually. Don't be too quick to blame it on the boring worship or sermon or the people sitting next to you!
It hit me like the proverbial tonne of bricks. I KNOW that, at the moment, lots of things are not right with me spiritually. Lemme see... not reading the Bible at all. Hardly praying. Reading too many romance novels again. Trying to running away (metaphorically). Not wanting to go to church. Feeling numb. Going through the motions.
A lot of these things are a matter of discipline. Reading the Bible every day is a matter of discipline. Praying is a matter of discipline. Staying away from romance novels is a matter of discipline. Attending Sunday service is a matter of discipline. So if you were to tell me I should just make the decision to do all these anyway, despite how I might feel... maybe I just need more discipline?
Maybe if I could do them all perfectly or "correctly", then the stuff in my life might start falling into place. But I've always wanted to do things meaningfully, and not merely because I should. I don't want to do things out of habit, like a robot, or be left with the empty shells of ritual. At the same time I recognise the need for discipline... if I'm not careful, I'm going to start going around in circles again!
But maybe, just maybe, the root of all this is the issue of surrender. I have the most difficult time trying to surrender to God, and periodically go through times when I'm trying to run away & pretend He doesn't matter as much as He does. It isn't very smart, coz His presence is always hovering right at the periphery of my consciousness, but I usually don't give up till I'm exhausted and am forced to admit that I can't escape "The Hound of Heaven". Giving what He wants precedence over what I want isn't easy (understatement of the century!!). Doing stuff I don't want to do (like going to church... *groan*) just because He wants me to do it isn't easy either. Man, who ever said it was easy to be a Christian? ;)
* Translation: "I don't want"