An insidious thing
Thanks to all you readers and friends who hastened to assure me that I'd been right to walk out of church service on Sunday. I appreciate the support... but I walked out with a critical spirit and I do not think that was right.
Anytime I let something in church offend me, it's more about me than it is about whatever's going on inside that building. The minute I start thinking, "How could he --?!", it's already an indication that I somehow know better. That I am somehow so smart to see through the clever words and poor theology. That I am sooooooo above all this... not like those poor fools who just swallow whatever the preacher says and follow his dictates blindly.
Pride is a very insidious thing. It would be so easy to let y'all soothe me and to get even more puffed up. Like, See? I did the right thing. I knew it. THEY agree with me. We mustn't stand for this sort of crap in our churches!
But, bleh. As if I am so concerned and want to march out like a crusader to stop all the wrongs in the church. No, actually I am just having a good time getting indignant because it makes me feel good about myself. Because it shows that I'm so smart and intellectual and whatever. (preens)
Sure, I can tell myself it's "righteous anger" and even make myself -- never mind everybody else -- believe it. The Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?", and my heart is just as deceitful as anybody else's.
I still don't know what I should have done on Sunday. I wasn't comfortable dancing, but maybe I could have stayed and prayed and tried to allow God to connect with me instead of stomping out in an indignant huff. The frame of mind I was in, I wouldn't have heard God speak to me unless He'd actually dropped a block of wood on my head or something. That alone should have told me that I was totally off track!