Grieving over stupidity
Karen Beilharz once wrote that "the problem with being a girl is that, in a sense, you can never be sure whether you're feeling down because you are or because you're being manipulated by your hormones". I know exactly what she means.
Most days I'm on an even keel but sometimes I go down for absolutely no reason. Lately the downs have been coming on more often, though. I teared up singing the song How Could I Live in church on Friday night. Then again, a few weeks ago I was reading a Mills & Boons romance novel in a bookstore when my eyes started tearing up too, so...
Anyway, Bob told me last week that my recent posts have been depressing. There's a very good reason for that, Mister. I HAVE NOT BEEN IN MUCH OF A HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY FRAME OF MIND LATELY, OKAY??!?!
I went to visit one of my uncles over the weekend (I have three uncles living in the same city, two are Mom's brothers and one is Dad's bro. I'm closer to the third one). We -- I mean the family -- went out somewhere and somehow in all the stuff that was happening, I found myself alone with my aunt for a while. She said I seem different; quieter, more subdued, less lively. I hadn't even realised that it showed.
I started out just telling her about career stuff but ended up telling her about my financial situation too. And had tears running down my face before I was finished.
My aunt is the first family member to know about my, err, predicament.
Actually, it's not like the financial thingy's really that bad. The way I see it, I ought to be able to clear the credit card debt by the end of the year. But, I keep on feeling like I've messed up my life, and the word "blacklist" is forever hovering above my head. I know I haven't really messed up everything, and there are probably plenty of people out there who have made worse mistakes in their lives, but still somehow the whole situation has affected me pretty badly. (Feeling like I have to struggle alone and bear the burden of my own failures all by myself hasn't helped.)
I've never believed in looking back with regrets, because you can't change whatever has occurred in the past. But in this case I just can't move past the whole thing because I keep on feeling like I should never have let this happen. I joke about being young and stupid but deep down I can't excuse myself that easily. Every time I think of the colossal mess I've made, I want to cry.
I realised yesterday that it's as if I'm grieving. Grieving for the mistakes I made, as well as for a past that's gone and cannot be regained. You see, I can never go back to the girl I was before all this happened, and things will never be quite like they used to. It's like losing your innocence, in a way.
I don't know how long this process is going to take. I've been writing letters to God but I haven't heard Him talking back to me, and sometimes I wonder if I'm not hearing anything coz I don't WANT to. I'm scared He might be upset with me or disappointed in me, and I couldn't handle that. Yes, I know I'm sooooooo screwed up.