Transition sucks
I hate being in transition. I am soooooo confused and quite tired of praying too. I'm not sure how other people do it, but since I can't pray for hours on end (don't you run out of things to say?) what I do is silently utter brief prayers in my head at irregular intervals. Like, "God, I don't know what to do! How lah!"
The problem with praying this way is I dunno whether He's saying anything to me in response. Haven't heard anything, but I'm wondering whether that's because I haven't actually sat down and tried really hard to listen. On the other hand, sitting down to listen freaks me out coz I'm always scared I STILL won't hear anything, and then where would I be?
When I was back in my hometown two weeks ago, I planned to use some of the time to "seek God" for guidance to find out what the next step for my life should be... that's when I suddenly realised I have absolutely NO CLUE what that phrase means. Christians say "seek God" all the time, throwing it out as a piece of advice without even thinking about what they're saying. But how does one seek God? By waking up at 5:30am to read the Bible? Praying for 3 hours straight? Fasting 40 days and 40 nights like Jesus did? What????
Somebody said to me, "To seek God means to diligently search / inquire / worship / trust / please / desire / ask / crave for / pray to / listen to / obey God." Holy cow, that's a long list!
Sometimes I wonder. I want God to tell me specifically, "Do this. This is what I want you to do," coz that would be safe. If I could know for sure, then I could go ahead confidently and not worry that I'm making the wrong decision. But does God always tell us what to do or where to go? Or does He sometimes give us the leeway to decide, because either option is okay with Him?
Anyway right now He's being really silent, or else my antenna needs tweaking. And I'm confused and have no idea what to do. Too scared to move forward, but unhappy about staying where I am at the moment. I hate being in transition. It's like you're neither here nor there; you're caught in the middle and everything's uncertain.