Stay or leave?
Today I am listening to Diana Ross, one of my favourite albums. I've also decided to forget about "writing properly" -- at least on this blog -- because when I try to "write properly" all my writing comes out sounding stilted and boring. Even I wouldn't read it!
Okay, so what happens when you're in what you feel is an untenable situation? Do you stay? Or leave?
On one hand, I tell myself that I ought not to run away. Maybe you should stay and try to work things out, I coax myself. After all, you know that this is partly caused by your own behaviour. Instead of leaving, why don't you make yourself stay until you've managed to overcome those particular weaknesses?
On the other hand, things are so bad that I just cannot tahan (stand it) anymore. I want out. Every day that I stay in that situation I feel the life force draining out of me more and more. Okay, maybe not really the life force. Maybe just the joy of being alive.
I wonder whether there's something wrong with my theology because it tells me that the fact that things are going badly doesn't mean I should leave. "God never promised that life would be a bed of roses," I remind myself. "What makes you think that just coz you're unhappy or unfulfilled, that's a good reason to leave?"
Yeah, it IS a bit preposterous to suggest that God might want me to stay in a situation that has me feeling miserable and upset, isn't it? Surely He isn't that cruel. But then you know, in the Bible He didn't always put people in nice comfortable happy positions. And although I'm not a masochist I find myself wondering if I should stay. Don't get me wrong -- I don't want to. But because I want to run away as soon as I can and as far as I can, I wonder if I ought to stay. Sort of like to prove that I don't run away at the first sign of difficulty, you know? "No, I'm not running away, I can tough it out, I can handle this." Except that I can't handle it. So I don't know what to do.
I wish God would write stuff in neon lights across the sky. Just one word would do: "STAY." or, "GO." Sheesh.