The Wilful Sunflower

Raising Helen is only the second movie to make me cry (the first was Dead Poets Society). It gave form to one of my oldest, deepest fears: that I'll never find a man who will love & accept me as I am.

Just like Helen felt she wasn't good enough for Pastor Dan, or wasn't what he needed, sometimes I feel like I'm so messed up and so full of faults that nobody could possibly like me, much less love me. I guess it's true that I am my own worst critic. "You tend to be pretty hard on yourself, don't you?" asked Jotay last night. Yup, I do tend to be pretty hard on myself. But that's because I see all my own weaknesses and faults in glaring Technicolor and am constantly reminded how blasted imperfect I am.

There was one night at the end of last month when I sat in the hall counting all my coins because I was extremely broke. "Broke", in my book, means "having almost no more money", and I really felt utterly pathetic because, well -- look at me! I'm reduced to raiding my (metaphorical) piggy bank!!!

At that point I felt utterly down and sent an SMS to one of my housemates saying, "I hate it when the blues hit & I start to worry nobody will ever love me coz I'm so messed up & have so many faults. I'm lonely, and find it hard to keep believing sometimes..." She responded with an affirming message: "You are not messed up, dear... I think you are one of the greatest friends and persons I've ever known." Wow!

And then a few days ago I was writing a letter to God, thinking about the friends He has placed in my life. Especially my housemates. They are really amazing; the kind of friends I never dreamt I would have. The kind of friends that I used to read about in books or that other people would tell me about. I can be myself with them and they can be themselves with me -- we can be wacky or serious, talk about "spiritual" stuff or nonsense stuff or whatever. Plus they live with me, so they see my messiness (as in untidiness) and know my faults and yet they still love me.

As I was telling God all this, suddenly my eyes opened wide and I realised that my housemates truly do love me just as I am. Now here I was always fearing that nobody would ever be able to do that, but hey, my housemates -- who, of course, see all the best as well as the worst sides of me -- are doing it! Which, in turn, gives me the biggest hope that there will one day be a man who will also love me just the way I am, imperfections, weaknesses, and all. It is possible, because my housemates are doing it!

I have a new kind of peace now, and I think I understand a little better what Tom meant when he said Emmy and others would "be Jesus" to me. Emmy is one of my housemates, and together they have all demonstrated tremendous grace & love to me, enabling me to understand a little more exactly what God's love for me is like. I'm so blessed to have them in my life.