Compatibility vs. "love"
Ever since writing about arranged marriages in early April, I've been thinking about the supposed fact that arranged marriages last longer than so-called "love matches". Just so you know, the couple with the world's longest marriage (until the wife passed away last July) had an arranged marriage. Their marriage lasted for 86 years.
It has been argued that these type of marriages last so long precisely because women in certain societies risk being disowned or are looked down upon if they divorce, and in any case most of them do not have any other means of financial support apart from their husbands, so they cannot leave even if they are being mistreated. I'm not sure how far this contributes to the statistics of the "lastingness" of arranged marriages.
But I think I think arranged marriages may last longer coz the partners have fewer expectations compared to those in a "love match". When we marry for love, we also expect to be happy. When our partner doesn't make us happy, we feel cheated. Whereas in an arranged marriage, both start from scratch and so both are aware of the need to give and take. It's not about me anymore.
So... is it more important to be compatible than to be "in love"? I was driving to work one morning when this question popped into my head. Let's say you are compatible with this person, you are on the same wavelength intellectually, able to converse on a variety of subjects, share mutual interests, uphold the same values and principles in life, and you like him/her as a person. You may even feel affectionate towards him/her, but not in "that" way there's no "chemistry" between the both of you. If you guys were to get married, would the marriage work?
I'm not sure. I do believe we tend to over-emphasise the "chemistry" thing, though.
...many people are more serious about checking out the car they want to buy than the person they want to marry. Can you imagine buying a car on feelings alone?
-- Dr Kay Kuzma, When You Are Serious About Love
Put that way, it seems ridiculous, doesn't it? Yet what if there are no feelings, but logically and practically, this person appears to be a nearly perfect match and a good choice? Should one go ahead?
Something to ponder...