The Wilful Sunflower

Ever tried counselling someone by SMS? Janelle's in Scotland... she messaged me late last night.

Janelle: Hey, what's wrong? Why all the crying?
Me: Had very bad day. Feeling down a lot lately, like I told u no motivation at work, constantly tired, internally stressed, numb, going thru the motions.
Me: I know I deserve whatever comes. I sabotage myself sometimes — like going to office late — know I shouldn't, but can't seem to care.
Janelle: It's time to ask yourself some hard questions & really seek answers, girl. This self-destructive stuff has to stop coz you're only hurting yourself. Don't be afraid, it's better to realise your heart lies elsewhere than to slog at something you don't care for anymore. If God's calling you elsewhere He'll open the doors. But your eyes must be open.
Me: I know for sure I don't wanna stay in the job if nothing changes. It's just a matter of asking God if I can leave, and if so where. I'm scared He'll make me stay to build character or something like that tho', coz bring a Christian isn't always about being happy or doing what WE like.
Janelle: You're right, sometimes we have to labour and it sucks. But it's better if you know the purpose instead of this misery.
Me: But God usually doesn't reveal His purposes beforehand. I mean look at Joseph, he didn't have a clue till he looked back years later. And Job never did know why he had to go thru all that. [Ed.: The stories of these two men are found in the Bible]
Janelle: I know, but these guys also persevered & I'm sure found some peace in where they were. Joseph had the spirit of excellence even in bad situations.
Me: Joseph may have had peace but from Job's rantings I doubt he had... he cursed the day he was born. I feel guilty that unlike Joseph, I haven't been doing good quality work. You see I also feel I've failed God in some way coz I'm a Christian but have been so bad... I'm afraid He'll make me stay just to punish me & teach me a lesson. Terrible isn't it?
Janelle: See the difference is these guys had God in the picture. You're still afraid to include Him. He's not out to *get* you.
Me: I know that... intellectually. I'm a mess aren't I? But I'm trying to trust & this time I'm not running away like usual, which is a good sign. So much fear. I never realised I had so much fear.
Janelle: As long as you waffle in your own wisdom you won't get any answers or peace and you need both.
Me: Well I'm off Thur & Fri. Might even fast & pray coz I'm really desperate.
Janelle: Good! It's about time to get serious answers isn't it? And stop making God out to be a big meanie. He's not and you know it. He loves you, and has a plan. If you don't ask you won't know.
Janelle: You're just over-thinking which we all do at some point. Relax & let go, it's all about trust.
Me: Trust doesn't come easy. Ok, ok, I'll stop it now :P Yeah. It's about taking the plunge & letting Him catch me. Every time He brings me to this place, I have the hardest time. Doesn't seem to get easier. But hopefully learning lah.
Me: Do you think I need counselling? Sometimes I wonder if seeing a psychologist would help. The God thing... have been praying for years that He'll help me see Him as He really is...
Janelle: Maybe you do, I've wondered if your issues with your dad have clouded your relationship with God. It's very possible & not a weird thing. A counsellor could help you see outside the box & help you confront things. But you also need to be brave.
Me: But where would I find someone? A professional would cost the earth I'm sure. I've thought about it off & on for years but still can't see how it'd be possible. As for Dad clouding my view of God, I've known it for a long time. That's why I've been praying to see Him as He really is & relate to Him as my Perfect Father. Quite hard lah coz lots of conditioned responses.
Janelle: There are counsellors in churches, you have to ask around.
Janelle: Okay I'm going home now kiddo. I'll be praying for you. It'll be all right.
Me: Thanks J. Really need the prayer. Am so messed up la. One of my friends thinks I'm neurotic :P Thanks for the pep talk, for listening & being supportive (not to mention kicking my butt!).
Janelle: It's an honour & a privilege :) You've got issues same as me & the rest of us. I'm glad you're facing up to them. You'll come out stronger :)
Me: I certainly hope so! ;)