Lonely in church
I didn't realise that I viewed the after-service chit-chat & lunch as part of "church".
It's something I've always taken for granted -- you go for service, then hang around and catch up with friends; later, the whole group adjourns to an eating place for lunch. After lunch we might catch a movie if everybody is agreeable. So the "fellowshipping" doesn't stop at worshipping God together during Sunday morning service.
Now that I'm (temporarily) one of the "unchurched", this is one of the things that makes me reluctant to venture out of the house on a Sunday morning. I don't like walking out of the building alone, only to lunch alone. It's like for that brief two-and-a-half hours, I'm part of a larger family, and then suddenly service is over and I don't have a place anymore. I find it very jarring. Many times, I've walked out of a church building feeling lonely, forlorn, and curiously abandoned, although I know that makes no sense at all.
Late last night I was out with a friend for supper, talking about this. "You want someone to lunch with? Fine! I'll give you a ride to church tomorrow morning, and then after service I'll go for lunch with you!" he said. Unfortunately we got back past 2am and this morning he 'fong fei gei'-ed me (a Cantonese saying meaning he stood me up). Couldn't wake up, I guess. I debated going anyway, on my own, but just the thought of having to sit alone, surrounded by strangers who know each other... I wasn't feeling brave enough this morning to deal with it. So I didn't go.
I know I probably sound like some neurotic woman who can't stand to be in her own company. Normally I'm okay with being alone -- in college I used to watch movies unaccompanied, to the astonishment of my friends. Also, I actually prefer shopping on my own coz I not only get to take my time browsing without worrying that my companions are bored to death, I also can rely on my own judgement and sense of style instead of letting other people influence my choices. I'm SO unlike other women who need girl friends' feedback when they try on outfits, and dither endlessly over the decision to buy.
No, I'm usually okay being alone. But occasionally loneliness hits or I feel particularly vulnerable. Especially when things get overwhelming or uncertain; those are the times I wish I had someone to lean on, to hold me, to murmur words of comfort in my ear and to believe in me.
But I don't have this 'someone', so it's just God & I, and that's frustrating coz sometimes you need a person with skin, y'know? Of course I know God's with me when I walk out of a church building on a Sunday morning. I've quoted Hebrews 13:5b to myself more times than I can count. It's not the same. And I feel vaguely guilty for wanting more, coz don't we sing, "You're all I've ever needed"? Am I not saying God's not enough?
Anyway, that's my church situation right now; I didn't go to church last week either coz I was in the house, waiting for the mechanic to come fix my car. I want to go to church but don't want to go alone, and I don't think any of my friends would appreciate this sudden frightening neediness. I've always been so independent and so strong -- outwardly at least. No answers for this one.
P/S:
I just realised I missed church on Easter Sunday! Arrgh. How much more self-absorbed can I get???