Burnout?
Difficulty getting out of bed may be common to many people, but I bet difficulty getting out of the house is not. And I'm not talking about agoraphobia either.
So the alarm clock rings in the morning or rather my mobile phone alarm rings and I open my eyes enough to find the button which will shut it off. Otherwise it just goes into snooze mode, you see.
The next time I open my eyes, I sit up with a jolt, grab my phone and squint short-sightedly at the time display. Okay, it's not too late yet. *whew* Don't panic. There's still time. Pushing myself out of bed, I grab my clothes and towel and go do whatever it is people do in the mornings as they prepare themselves to face the world.
Here's where it all starts to unravel. (Uncanny how the blog title reflects my "real life", eh?)
Sometimes I pick up a book. Sometimes I sit down with the morning newspaper. Sometimes I get into a conversation with one of my housemates. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm doing. But one thing's for sure, I'm not going out of the house. What on earth is going on?!
This lethargy has lasted for months. Wondering if I could possibly be experiencing burnout (yeah right, barely two-and-a-half years into the job! with a wonderful boss, fair supervisor, and kind colleagues, too!), I did some research. Here's what I found:
According to New York psychologist Herbert J. Freudenberger, PhD., who coined the term, burned is a state of fatigue or frustration brought about by a devotion to a cause, a way of life, or a relationship that failed to produce the expected reward.
-- Burnout
Further research revealed symptoms of burnout, which I scrutinised. Didn't sound much like me especially all the emphasis on physical ailments, which I gather would probably stem from a psychological cause. Resent colleagues? No. Withdrawn? No. Forgetful? No.
Still, I do feel tired all the time, although maybe my weird sleep hours would account for that. I never seem to get enough sleep; every day I tell myself I'll be going to bed early, but I never actually do it. Because I always read before sleeping, and once I start a book I can't put it down till I've finished it. Even if I have to force my eyes to stay open and my brain to concentrate, I'll stubbornly soldier on until I turn the last page.
But if you talk about feeling numb, detached, going through the motions, wondering what's the point, and wanting to echo the writer of Ecclesiastes ("Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"), then yeah, I'm definitely there.
So I looked some more and found several online tests which might tell me whether I was burnt out. Not that I'd take them very seriously, but I've always been addicted to personality tests & the like... I'm a compulsive test-taker ;)
The first verdict: "You're ok if you take preventative action." The second said bluntly, "Candidate for burnout." The third told me, "Your score indicates that you have some signs of burnout." The general consensus seems to be that I'm not yet burnt out, but am on the way there.
Everything started to make a bit more sense after I read the American Psychological Association's article, The Road To Burnout. Honeymoon stage? Wait a minute, I remember that :) Followed by "The Awakening", when you realise your expectations and reality aren't quite matching (I think that sounds familiar too, *wry grin*); then "Brownout", with chronic fatigue, irritability, poor productivity at work, and escapist behaviour; and finally, "Full Scale Burnout", which is characterised by despair, exhaustion, a sense of failure, a loss of self-confidence, low self-esteem, and pessimism. I think I'm in the "brownout" stage those symptoms describe me to a T. Uggh.
The question then becomes, what to do? Mostly, it's to make "healthy lifestyle choices", develop and maintain a social support system, set realistic goals, create balance (ie. don't let the job consume you), reaffirm your values and what's personally important to you. Here's a list... and another (scroll right to the end of the page). Healthy lifestyle choices? Does a holiday count? *grin*