Favours
Do you ever feel like you shoot yourself in the foot?
I really hate asking for help. Hate it, and generally try to avoid it like the plague. Even when I do ask, I backtrack almost immediately and give the person a loophole: "But if you can't, if it's inconvenient, it's ok. I can always find another alternative. It's not really important anyway."
Usually this is true; I can find another alternative. And the matter isn't one of life-and-death.
It dawned on me the other day that I don't like to ask for help because I don't want to inconvenience people, because as a child I learnt that if you got in the way and disturbed people too much, you would become persona non grata. -- What, more hang-ups?! I'm afraid so. *rueful smile*
Also, the concept of taking something for nothing rests uneasily on me. In this, I'm finding that I'm a LOT more Chinese than I ever thought!
The Chinese tend to treat favours as debts. If you give a something to a Chinese person, the odds are that you'll eventually receive a something else in return. This is part of Chinese courtesy. You've seen films where two Japanese keep exchanging bows because neither wants to stop? Well, when it comes to giving gifts and performing favours, the Chinese are like that!
My parents have a starfruit tree in their garden, which bears bountiful fruit all year round. Much of it is given away to neighbours, church friends, and other friends. One day you pass some starfruit over the fence to the neighbour; a few days later the neighbour bakes a cake and passes a few slices over to you in return. It's quite interesting to watch, sometimes.
It's hard to receive or accept favours which one has no way of returning. I keep on feeling indebted, like I haven't adequately expressed my gratitude, and have this nagging sense that I ought to do something more. It's especially hard in the blogging world, when bloggers help each other and the other person lives clear across the world from me. There's nothing I can do to reciprocate the kindness.
I'm sure the people who help me don't expect any payback. It's just I who feel as if I need to somehow return the favour -- like Dad, who cannot forget that his friend gave Blink orthodontic treatment for free. Every Chinese New Year (the Chinese follow a 12-month lunar calendar) Dad and I take a trip to the supermarket, buy a bunch of goodies and have the supermarket stuff do it all up into a huge hamper, then drive over to his friend's place and deliver the hamper to them.
So asking for a favour is, for me, quite hard a thing to do. I always give the person excuses to use if they want to pull out, and tell them that I can do it without their help if they cannot make it. As I said, shooting myself in the foot! There are very few people with whom I feel comfortable enough to simply ask for help.