Dating fear?
Benjamin Alan recently wrote about "the Christian fear of dating". He says that recent times have brought in "anti-dating ideology", citing Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye as an example.
"It seems as though this movement is creating so much fear of dating in people, that they become unable to have any type of real relationships with single people of the opposite sex," he writes, adding that the fear keeps young people from dating, but when they are older "the resulting lack of any substantial personal interaction with people of the opposite sex makes it nearly impossible for these people to begin venturing out".
I always thought that "real relationships with single people of the opposite sex" are forged through friendships, not through dating, and that these friendships are developed at common ground such as school, church Youth Group, club activities, or games and sports. Or at least, that's how it was during MY time... even though I'm not that old yet! :D
How can not dating deprive a person of "any substantial personal interaction with people of the opposite sex"? This just doesn't make sense to me, unless the schools aren't co-ed; but even then, students have activities outside school when they get to mingle with youths from other schools.
Of course the whole dating subject is very interesting to me, because I've never dated, myself. In fact, I've never quite figured out what "dating" means; is it just going out together for a meal or a movie with a view to possible romantic developments (meaning it could be a one-off thing)? Or is it being in a "steady relationship"? -- whichever it is, I've never done either, so I'm covered...
I've always believed in being friends first, because I think there is less pressure when you're friends. I get to be myself; I'm not all self-conscious and worried about what the other person is thinking of me and trying to dream up ways to impress him. In the same way, I get to see the real person and interact honestly, and feelings have an opportunity to develop as we talk and share and find out more about each other. That is not as theoretical as you might think it is. More on it another time! ;)
Benjamin says that, because youths are taught not to date, the whole issue gets magnified out of proportion: "Rather than just being a time to 'hang out' and have fun, a date becomes greatly magnified in their minds, such that considering asking someone out on a date requires the careful thought and consideration of asking the person to marry them."
But I see no point in dating indiscriminately, or "experimenting" by going out with one person after another. Isn't it good to know your own mind and be a little focused about the kind of person you'd rather date? I wouldn't date a guy unless I thought we had a chance of becoming something more to each other than merely friends.
Viceice, one of my regular readers, asked me once why I haven't dated. I answered that in the comments, but for convenience I'll just say it again:
- No one has asked
I believe in the guy making the first move. Oh yes, how drolly old-fashioned, I know. *rolls eyes* I have nothing against making friendly overtures, but when it comes to dating, I want the guy to ask, ok? This has got nothing to do with playing games; I strongly believe in giving the poor fella some indication that his attentions won't be violently repulsed. But if he's going to be the leader (yes, another antiquated concept), at least let him start off right. Besides, when I get the urge to "help things along", it's born out of impatience and a reluctance to wait for God's timing, so I KNOW I'm getting outta line. I also like what another commenter said back at Benjamin's post:"When a man takes the initiative, it shows the woman that he really, really, REALLY wants to be with her. This provides a safe place for the woman's heart to rest. She's not worried about his affections because he made the choice to to say, "I want to spend time in getting to know you better."
Yeah, baby. :)
- I haven't yet met anyone whom I'd like to date
I typed this and then realised it might sound like sour grapes, LOL. Regardless, it's true. In all my 25 years, I've only run into a handful of guys who passionately love God. Sure, I know lots of Christian guys. But those who are gloriously "sold out" for God are kinda rare. Those who are both "sold out" for God as well as share in my vision are even MORE rare -- and we haven't even talked about the rest of the things I'm looking for in a guy! I once argued with a male friend of mine about the need for tenderness in a guy. Surrounded by men like him, no wonder I've never dated! *grin*